*Billy Crystal squint*

Have you ever been camping?

You just had to say it, didn’t you. You just had to say it. Could you keep it inside? No, of course not. Could you spare my feelings? Who are we kidding here. You just had to ask, didn’t you, knowing how much I hate the outdoors. Yes. Hate. Loathe. Despise. Yes, I said it. I’m being negative? Hate, hate, hate. There, I said it again. Three times even. Hate. There again. Said it again. Couldn’t stop myself. You should hate things more, you know, you’re way too positive. You’re the kind of person who is chipper. Enthusiastic, that’s what you are. I’m the kind of person who hates things. And what’s so great about it anyway, the great outdoors? It’s full of ants. Crawling up your legs, right into your food. Ten of them right inside my sandwich, like they bought the pastrami themselves. Ants and bears, that’s what you get out there. And those guys who wear flannel. You don’t get flannel in New York unless someone’s having a nervous breakdown. You know why I love New York? Because New York has no great outdoors. There’s just insanity and hot dogs.