stream of consciousness – Page 2

October 4, 2014May 17, 2020

boy meets girl

Not PG rated

It’s one of Nisha’s girls’ birthday today. She’ll probably come home sometime round six, but that’s okay. I can go out with my boys for a change, haven’t seen them since… dunno. The usual night out, a bar and then a club, nothing big. Jermaine and Vaughn know what a guy needs when his girl’s out, and so far they’re head on. The place is packed, the girls are hot and the drinks aren’t just water, so it’s all good. Wait, I know her. She looks like that waitress from the diner.

‘Yo, Car, one more?’

That’s Vaughn. I keep it short, ‘Gotta check on something.’ Jermaine’s one big grin. Yeah, it’s her all right.

‘Hi.’
‘Hi!’

That smile. It’s got something. She looks good done up like that. ‘You look nice.’ She smiles. Really nice. The music’s right, yeah, why not. Nice skin, not too much make up. Yeah, that looks good. She can move, too. Nice. The boys won’t stop hollerin’, but it’s all good. Yeah, that’s good. Sweet.

So this is her place. No man round with all that pink. Not bad. Let’s see what she does. A bit nervous, but that’s normal, they always get like that once it’s quiet, unless you prefer the ones who’ve been around, but you never know with them. Shit gets crazy sometimes, and I don’t need that right now. She’s cute though. Nice hair, real dark and all curly. Okay, lemme get comfortable. Good mattress. I pull her close, slow, she’s still staring. She’s got huge eyes. Really nice legs. She hasn’t done this often, even better. She smells good – yeah, that’s good. No bra. Perfect. Her tits are warm and heavy, the kind Nisha would love to have. She’s what d’they call it – yeah, responsive, that’s good. Seriously good bed. Nice panties. Look at her blush. She tries to explain, but hey, nobody’s perfect, and it’s not like I want them on her anyway. Trimmed, even better. I like a woman who takes care of herself without going all Hub on you. Let’s get this off her, good. Now the shirt – yeah, I worked hard for these. Her fingers are cool, she’s really loving it. Where’s that – there. Yeah, she’s ready, still tastes like that last cocktail. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll do it.’ A bit excited. She really hasn’t done this often. Let’s hope she’s okay with it. Okay, she’s getting nervous. ‘Hey. Hey. Amanda. Look at me.’ She doesn’t immediately, but she looks up again. I smile to keep her eyes on me and she doesn’t look away. She opens her mouth a little. I kiss her and go all the way. She’s holding her breath. ‘Ok?’ I ask. Say yes, coz damn girl you’re perfect. She nods, her eyes still closed. I pull back and she breathes out again. Yeah…

That was sweet. Lucky she didn’t ask for my digits. She’s got a deep sleep though, shouldn’t let too many strangers come to her house. But that was good, she probably hasn’t had too many. Nice. Now, let’s see, five o’clock. Nisha’s probably still out. No need to rush. Man, I’m hungry. Next time I’m in that diner, I’ll ask her out for a coffee or something. She’d be one for coffee. Dinner and a movie. Some serious winin’ and dinin’. It’d be good with her. Probably was her first time though, takin’ a complete stranger home. Well, sort o’ complete stranger. Real nice body. All tight and hot inside, sucks you right in. Nice tits, ass ain’t too flat, comes nicely, not too loud either, just the right thing for a Saturday night. I really gotta get something to eat, man, I’m dyin’.

* * *

It’s hard to say if he’s awake or not but she’s sitting there watching him. He can feel her hand around his, her fingers cool and long, warming up in the small cavity. There are no shadows in the room and by the light it must be morning, close to noon. A door opens and the nurse walks in, they talk a little, she checks the machines and leaves again. He can see it all and hear it all but it is very far away. All he knows is her hand holding his, her fingers warming on his skin.

They are talking softly, he hears her whisper into his ear, telling him a story he can’t remember but makes a smile grow in his head. She is close now, closer than when she first came, lying next to him, one hand under her head, her other still holding his. The nurse comes in but doesn’t say anything. She does her routine and tells her if she wants to eat, she will have to go to the cafeteria. She nods and says thank you but he holds her hand tighter. She can’t leave. The shadows are too long in the corners, and even Hunter can’t scare them away in his noiseless sleep.

Midnight, and darkness is a bright light on the street outside. The bed is empty, he has lost his body and is searching for his limbs. They are hidden in the streetlight and he sits up to find them again. She’s in the room, sleeping soundly on a makeshift bed next to the window. Carefully he unpins himself from the machines. The tiles are like ice under his feet but he crosses the river easily. Under her covers the sun is warm and bright. He can taste her scent, he can feel the heat her body is hiding under her skin. She stirs slowly and finally turns around to him, her face all shadows, her shape clear to his inner sight. He feels her hand on his skin, the fist under his chest is pounding again, hitting hard against the walls of his body. He hesitates to touch her lips but he finds them soft and waiting and pulls her close, into him, but she knows better and slips a hand past his waist where it lies waiting, waiting. Her fingers are gentle, stroking muscle and skin, applying pressure in places he had forgotten existed. Under her breath she starts to speak, softly, the fall of her voice familiar like breathing seeping into his head like warmth filling it with something lost and forgotten her hand moving warm soft fitting the rush of blood to his head drains and congeals to something hard and hot that disintegrates like a sharp sound of glass breaking in the sun.

Morning finds him alone with Hunter, the other bed empty except for the sunlight spilling over it as if wasted. He has no memory of what happened after the breaking. All he knows is that his body is hungry and he has to leave this place, return to the city and find that space where they can talk again.

* * *

The door opens. Dana looks up and is disappointed again. Christie has told her to stop hoping, ‘He won’t come darlin’, they never do when you want them to.’ But Dana can’t help it. It’s been three months since they met so randomly in that club, where he saw her and walked up to her, where they danced and he paid a few drinks, where they kissed and she let him take her home. She hadn’t thought about it, it just happened, just like leaves fall off a tree.

Dana tries to concentrate on the new order, but memory is a tricky thing. Sometimes it’s very accurate, and while she leans over the counter to place the next order, she remembers how he held her hips and kissed the corner between her neck and ear, right there, that small hollow.

The door opens again and Dana looks at the newcomer, but it’s never him. He left early in the morning while she was still asleep, and Christie said she should be grateful she got him at all, he wasn’t the kind you could just get that easily. Samantha said, ‘Enjoy it, sweetie. They’re not always as good as this.’

The woman on the other side of the counter asks for the steak menu and Dana smiles and writes down the order. She asks if the woman wants an aside, but she shakes her head and Dana passes her order after pouring out some coffee. At this time of the day, the first cup’s for free.

‘Amanda,’ someone says. Dana turns around. Her whole body smiles. He’s leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette, wearing one of those big black jackets, it fits him very well. It’s still very cold outside and his scull cap looks spotless white on his skin. ‘Hi,’ he says and Dana says ‘Hi,’ back. ‘How’d you know I’d come out now?’ ‘It’s nine o’clock,’ is all he says, and she remembers that she told him about her work and her real name and where she was born. That was why he called her Amanda. That was her real name, except she never used it, not here, not anymore. ‘You hungry?’ he asks and Dana nods though she’s not. He suggests going somewhere, and they end up in another diner, far nicer, in another part of town. He asks her about her day, they talk about movies and music. It’s as if he’d never seen her naked. Dana doesn’t know what she is, happy to see him or disappointed at his obvious cool. Yet she doesn’t mention it and smiles when the waitress walks up to their table. She orders a pizza and so does he, she drinks a soda and he takes a coke as well. She wants to ask him why he’s here but instead she asks if he finished reading his books. He smiles and says he’s been a bit busy lately. His eyes are serious when he says that, but Dana doesn’t ask on.

At her door, Dana feels fidgety and can barely get the key into the lock. She opens it, and steps in, but he doesn’t follow. He stays in the doorway and says, ‘I’ve gotta go.’ Dana doesn’t know what to say. She watches him walk down the stairs, but just before he’s gone he turns around and asks, ‘Are you busy tomorrow?’ Dana shakes her head, on Saturdays she only works till four. ‘There’s this thing at a friend’s place. Wanna come?’ Dana’s surprise makes her smile, ‘Yeah, why not.’ ‘Pick you up at six?’ Dana nods, he smiles and next moment he’s out of sight.

Nisha and I had a fight. It started with Aly finding out what J. did up in that cabin, so of course I went with her. He looks awful, man. It must be those pills they’re giving him. Aly wouldn’t leave his room, always held his hand, wouldn’t budge unless I forced her to get some dinner. She even took off work and stayed the week till he was stable again, they say he lost a lot of blood. It got me thinking. Nisha’s fine and all, but if a brother threw a loop, I don’t know if she’d stick around for long. Anyway, it got me thinking and I started asking some questions. Nisha said they were stupid questions, but it’s not like I don’t have to think about what’s coming next. I didn’t start college for nothin’. And after seeing J. and Aly I started wonderin’ if Nisha would come along with me. All she said was ‘Hon, you really think you’ll make it? Talk all superior and kiss their asses – you think that’ll make ‘em forget who you are?’ I got angry. I mean, Aly made it, she was clever and stuck to school and got through. She met J. for God’s sake but Nisha says that don’t count. ‘J.’s nuts, everyone knows that, Aly’s just lucky he’s so into her.’ We started shouting and then I left the house. Sometimes I can’t live with that woman.

Anyway, I’m at Jermaine’s now, got my stuff from Nisha before she starts burning it all, she’s done it before. I’ll be in my own place next week, Aly’s moved in with J. who’s back in town. He can’t be on his own, and he’s got enough to keep her going fine, so it’s all good. I haven’t seen Nisha for a while though. Vaughn says she’s fucking that guy from the studio, at least they’ve been out together a couple o’ times. It’s okay. We need some space. I need to think a bit and it’s nice having a place on your own, Jermaine’s basically never home.

August 27, 2014May 18, 2020

down the aisle, 1

The first guests were already walking down the gravel path. Richter was waiting at the head, Angus next to him, laughing and grinning about something, slapping Richter’s back. Richter didn’t look too happy. Caden parked the car next to Matt’s and they all got out. Joan was all smiles for Richter, she basically loved him on first sight, straightening his tie and fiddling with his buttonhole as if Richter was Matt all over again.

‘My God, Tellis, thank God you’re here,’ Richter said once he got away from Joan. ‘Gus is driving me nuts, I don’t think he’s off whatever Matt gave him last night – I say, who’re you?’

Caden checked and saw Marla was actually right next to him, so he said, ‘Richter, Marla. Marla, Richter.’

Marla smiled politely and stretched out a hand, ‘Pleased to meet you.’ Richter took her hand and kissed it, he was worse than Matt sometimes.

‘My, my, Tellis, where have you been hiding this gem. What was your name again?’
‘Marla.’
‘There’s a singer out there isn’t there?’
‘Yes, but Marla’s just a nickname really.’

Caden almost said, ‘Since when?’ but Angus already joined them, laughing again, slapping Richter’s back before stopping altogether, staring at Marla and basically shouting,

‘Fuckin’ hell, you’re gorgeous! What’s your name, sweetheart?’

Marla looked nonplussed.

‘Gus, shut up,’ Richter frowned, annoyed. ‘I’m sorry, he has no manners. Please, come in – Gus, get off.’

Angus wasn’t listening.

‘Seriously, what is your name, gorgeous?’ but Marla already fled to Joan, not that Angus cared. ‘Fuck, Tellis, where’d you find that one?’ and in a lower voice, ‘Did you see those tits on her?’

Both Caden and Richter said, ‘Angus.’ together.

‘I’m just saying. Phenomenal. Does she have friends? Or sisters? Tell me she has a sister.’

Caden asked Richter, ‘How’s it been so far?’ Angus demanding, ‘She must have sisters. Tellis, tell me she has sisters.’

Richter sighed, ‘No meltdown yet, so we’re good. The flowers finally arrived so that’s a relief, and the padre’s here so we’re just waiting – Angus would you finally shut up?’
‘Seriously, Tellis, where did you find her?’

Caden moved to go inside, followed by Richter, but Angus wouldn’t have it, he actually held him back.

‘What?’
‘You and her. Is it serious?’
‘Hands off, Angus, I mean it.’
‘I fucking hate you so much. – Tell me that she at least has a sister.’

There was no point in fighting it. If he didn’t stop it now, the whole day would be like this, so Caden said,

‘She does and she’s in America with some tech-star fiancée, so forget it.’
‘She hot like yours?’
‘I don’t know, Gus, and I really don’t care.’
‘As if.’
‘So where’s Liza?’
Angus just grinned, ‘One dares to dream, Tellis, one dares to dream!’
‘She here?’
‘Of course she is. Up there somewhere getting manhandled by the stitches.’
‘Stitches?’
‘Steff’s bitches, they’re a whole hive.’

Angus grinned and Caden couldn’t help it, he did smile.

‘So how’s it going?’ Angus asked, sounding more like himself. ‘You’re place doing good?’
‘Yeah, it’s fine.’
‘How many bands d’you have signed anyway?’
‘A few.’
‘Richter said the last ones he heard were pretty good, where’d you get them all the time?’
‘They call, Gus, you know that.’
‘Just making small talk, mate, before the big man starts listening.’

They were in the church by then, the aisles slowly filling with guests, Marla standing a little to the side, scanning the windows and ceilings. Angus found out where he was looking and started again.

‘Fuckin’ hell, Tellis, look at that. Do me a favour will you, and fuck it up again.’
‘What?’
‘I want at least half a chance this time.’
‘What’re you talking about?’
‘What’s he on about now?’

That was Richter, coming down the aisle. Angus finally shut up.

‘Something’s on, Tellis,’ Richter said once he reached them. ‘Joan’s about to have a fit about something and I can’t make it out. By the way, are you bride or groom, your girl over there was a bit confused.’
‘Put me in bride otherwise I’ll never hear the end of it.’

Richter laughed, and before Caden could stop him, Angus ran off to Marla, all smiles once he reached her. Caden had no time to get irritated, he could already see Joan was… not pleased. Well, better get it over with now. He walked over.

‘Oh thank God, darling. Look at these flowers. Look at them. They’re dreadful! Who ordered this? Did that Richter woman start meddling again?’

Caden sighed, ‘They’re fine, Joan,’ but she wasn’t listening.

‘Pink! Pink roses! And those ghastly white things – oh, this is horrible –!’
‘Joan, they’re all right.’
‘All right? Flowers at a wedding aren’t supposed to be all right, darling, they’re supposed to be perfect, but apparently white was too sterile – sterile! That woman has no style –!’

It took him five minutes to calm her down, but he finally got her to see that the flowers weren’t the disaster she thought they were, so far no one had complained and Mrs Talbot-Hall had already told Richter how nice the set-up was. It was a complete lie, all he’d seen was the old crone look around and nod approvingly, but at least it calmed Joan down. With that sorted Caden went over to save Marla – except that Marla needed no saving. She was still standing where Angus found her, and they were laughing and smiling, Angus obviously gaining some decent ground. He’d have to warn her, but right then Sunny turned up right next to him, looking furious.

‘What?’
‘That. Woman.’
‘Which one?’
‘That mother of yours.’
‘Ok. What happened?’
‘She said she was glad I didn’t look like a prostitute this time. What a relief it was that you got me to dress well, she was already worried.’

Ah, yes. The old Joan vs. Sunny. Round five hundred probably.

‘I told you to stay away from her.’
‘She just turned up next to me, ranting about flowers!’ Sunny snapped.
‘You know how she gets at these things. Stay away from her.’
‘How’s that supposed to work if she just turns up like some harpy – oh, hi, Steve. Excited yet?’

Richter smiled at Sunny in a way Caden wished he didn’t. It was too obvious somehow. Caden had always had his suspicions, but he left it at that. It didn’t help to see them hug and kiss hello like that though.

‘So you came after all,’ Richter said after they finally parted.
‘Of course I came, I wouldn’t miss this for anything,’ Sunny grinned wide.
‘Sadist. She just came to see me slaughtered.’
‘You didn’t have to propose,’ Caden couldn’t help saying.

Richter laughed a loud, ‘Ha!’

‘Tellis, you mad? One more month and she’d have knifed me. It was life or death, mate, and I chose life. Come here, you, I need to put you somewhere before I start getting ideas.’

And off they went, Sunny giggling and Richter with that look that never meant anything good. They walked down the aisle and Caden turned around so he could legitimately say he had no idea where they went. Angus was still occupying Marla, but the pews were filling more and more, and the organ player had started a quiet solo to get people in the mood. There were hats and suits everywhere, people moving easily, steadily, filling up the space. The windows of this one were actually worth looking at, which reminded Caden of his camera, there was some seriously good light in here, and it’d be a great way to keep Steff quiet for a few months.

August 27, 2014May 18, 2020

glow

‘There you are, darling. I’m so glad you came.’
‘I hope we’re not late.’
‘Oh, not at all.

Caden leaned forward for the inevitable peck on the cheek. How was it that Joan not only managed to look it, but also smelled cool and composed? He never found out and wasn’t about to start now. And this was the woman who read books to him as a kid. A few pages before going to bed, asking, ‘Do you know what that means?’ and answering the questions he had. A few pages before she said good night, until they were through with whatever book she decided he needed to know about. It’s not that he minded though. That was their time, just him and Joan, who smiled more while she sat on the side of his bed with a book in her hand. It was when she laughed a real laugh, usually when she thought what he said was funny. He often felt that’s how it would have been with his own mother.

Looking at her now, he couldn’t put the two together, Joan then and Joan now. Sometimes he started doubting what he remembered. How she morphed into this icy blonde who cut anyone down who placed a fork wrong… that was something Caden still couldn’t put together. Something happened on the way, something he didn’t catch. It wasn’t as if Fred changed, he was still quiet, locked up in his office Monday through Friday, golfing on weekends and some pool on Wednesdays when Joan was off with her club. He was the same Fred as always, unmovable in his views, expecting the best as a matter of course. He talked about family like it was a fort, all the flags flying, all the gates closed, everything sealed up tight. Caden was just lucky that he grew up within the walls.

‘Where’s your young lady?’
‘Freshening up. Something about the dress.’
‘Ah, yes,’ Joan smiled politely.

Caden could see the subtext though. It was just like him to bring a woman who couldn’t get her wardrobe right. He’d come to think that that subtext was always there, it just took a while until he could read it.

Five minutes later Joan looked up and said, ‘There she is.’ The sub was a clear About time. Caden turned and stopped. That was… she was in something green, light green, all bust, no straps. It showed off her legs, long and firm like a runners. She did go jogging. She’d done something with her hair that showed off her neck, shoulders, very smooth. And those thin earrings you never saw until you were up close. She looked… Caden noticed he was staring, stopped and said the truth once she was with them. ‘You look good.’ Marla smiled, shyly, which just made it worse, as in better. There was something about her right then, something… glowing. He didn’t like that he noticed.

Matt walked up to them right then, ‘The car’s ready, are you coming?’ He looked Marla over and smirked,

‘You clean up nice.’
Marla frowned, ‘Pardon?’
‘That’s a nice dress,’ Matt nodded at her.‘A bit top heavy though, don’t you think?’

Caden saw the blush first, it spread all over her cheeks, her face, killing the glow. She started touching her dress like it might not be there. Caden felt the old urge to kick Matt, but just said, ‘We should probably go.’ Oblivious to the damage done, Matt grinned, ‘Round two.’ Joan said a stern, ‘Matthew,’ turned and walked to the cars. Caden looked at Marla, she was still touching her dress, so he said, ‘That colour looks good on you.’ She actually said, ‘You think so?’ looking down herself like he was lying. He never got that with women. ‘We really should get going.’ Marla just blushed more, but at least she stopped fidgeting.

He motioned her to the cars and they went down, Caden seeing for the first time that Marla had a small, very small star tattooed on her right shoulder, just above the hem of her dress. It was as if she put it there as a decoration. It was strange. He’d never thought Marla to be someone to get her skin inked in any way, she didn’t seem the type. It’s not that he didn’t like it, it softened her somehow, made her less that woman on the hill. It was still… unusual. And she smelled so good again, it was really hard not to notice. Why did they always smell so good?

They finally reached the cars, and Matt did the usual. He held the door open for Marla, even adding the ‘M’lady’ with that stupid half-bow, as if he was some kind of butler. It made Marla smile and shake her head. It surprised Caden time and again, he never remembered to expect it. Matt insulted them one minute, next they were smiling like he’d made the world’s greatest joke.

‘You know the way?’ Matt asked after closing the door.
‘Sure,’ Caden said.
‘It’s just down –’
‘I know, Matt. I was there yesterday.’
‘Oh yeah, right. See you there.’

They got into the cars, the sound of the doors closing sharp in the quiet. The sun shone bright on the tarmac, a smooth black, the grass glowing in several shades next to it, swaying in the light breeze. Caden turned and checked, yes he had his camera in the back. The light was good today.

They were on the road when Marla started talking.

‘Is he always like that?’
‘Who, Matt?’
‘Yeah. I mean… I’m sorry, he’s your brother and all, but he’s not very…’

Caden waited but nothing came. Instead she said, ‘Is he always like that?’ again, so he said,

‘Mostly.’
‘Was he always like that?’
‘Why’re you asking?’
‘Just curious. – So, he was?’
‘Matt’s always been Matt.’

Marla nodded there and brushed her hands down her dress again, crossing her legs, they really were endless. He noticed she was in green and gold. Green dress, those shoes, and her purse lying lightly on her lap. He’d always liked how easily women could pull that off, just looking good without much effort. It was nice knowing Marla was no different, never mind her work on the hill. He still wanted to know when she got that star on her shoulder.

August 24, 2014October 9, 2014

bar & grill

summer, beaches,
surf and waves
lots of very fit people.

the sky’s unbelievable blue.

it’s beautiful here, relaxing,
for me.
The others?
They’re driven,
seriously keeping themselves
busy.

But it’s my day off,
so I’m enjoying it
all the way
the sea, the sun,
the waves.

out on the terrace of the bar & grill,
enjoying the sun
watching the waves
and they start talking right next to me.

as in, loud.

probably on a date,
sorting out deal-breakers,
pasts, presents, wishes, dreams.

I guess everyone here is out to make it big,
and if that doesn’t work out
then have a comfortable life.

it’s about dreaming big
having, keeping,
accumulating your assets,
promoting
your Self.

the beach, the sun,
the waves
all fantastic
really great

but they keep on talking,
listing
promoting
loud and louder
stereo surround

Her No-No list:
drugs, alcohol, smoking

His: violence
Got hit by his ex…
sounded psychotic.

Both:pet peeves
real hates
what neither would tolerate

a frantic search for similarities
but no real conversation

It’s like there are boxes
they need to check

fun, motivated
real wishes
genuine dreams
a perspective.

And people are getting a massive load of parking-tickets.

A young woman’s asking,
cajoling,
trying what she can,
but the ticket’s already written.

Apparently it costs $8
to go to the beach in NJ.

2nd date
they’re gone now

and it’s back to the beach
the sea, the waves.

It’s beautiful here
a great place to wind down
for me

the waves, the beach
the sea
really pretty.

August 22, 2014May 16, 2020

throwback thursday

Livy.

She stopped. This was Bloomingdales. Nobody knew that name. No, she must have heard wrong. She continued but then, again.

Livy. Livy.

In a second she was twenty-two again, young and hopeful and proud of her job, how good she was. She’d managed to prove that she didn’t only have the looks, she also had the skills. She really was good at her job. She remembered when he first walked in, young, brash, angry at the boss, asking her sharply Is he in? She had asked him firmly but politely to wait. He had paced, hands in his pockets, flashing her quick, impatient looks. After the call she told him, He’ll see you now and he went in. There had been shouting. He stormed out and she didn’t really think of him again until a week later when she ran into him at the Xerox, and he asked her for a favor. A file he needed copying, he’d pick it up later, he was on the run. He was charming and sweet, so she did it. He came after his lunch break and small talked with her about music and movies and how he’d like to see the latest one, she forgot which one. The second time he did that she knew her hunch was right, he was looking for reasons to see her. It amused her. It was flattering. But they were all flirts so she never took it seriously. Until he asked her out. She should have said no. She was foolish and hopeful though, and said yes. And now someone was calling her Livy.

She stopped at the watches and acted as if she was looking. She felt someone stop next to her and ask if he could look at the something Phillip. The clerk was eager and polite. She dared a glance. No. Yes, but… No. Please. He was talking to the clerk and then said, She has slim wrists. Much like the lady here. Excuse me, I’m sorry to bother you, but could I ask you for a favor? She looked and looked and swallowed. He had aged well, very well. She asked, Pardon? And he said. My wife has about the same slim wrists as you do. Do you mind if I borrowed you as a mannequin? And she knew then, clearly, it was his old trick again, finding excuses to talk to her. She wanted to say no, but the clerk was surprised and expectant and she didn’t want to look mean-spirited or worse. So she stretched out her hand and the clerk fastened the watch around her wrist and he looked at it, nodding approvingly before saying Gold or silver? And the clerk asked, What does your wife usually wear? Both, he smiled and suddenly she was speaking. I think this one is very nice. It was beautiful, white gold and polished gold intertwined, with stones sparkling around the dial. It had to cost a fortune, but then he looked like money. He always had. The clerk smiled graciously and asked if he would take it. He said, I think I’ll look some more, and the clerk asked her politely if she could remove the watch. She watched her unfasten it and put it back on display. She moved to leave, saying a polite Goodbye. He turned, sharply, and there was something in his eyes and face that she hoped she was just imagining. He said, Thank you for your help, and she just nodded and walked down the aisle. She already passed the perfumes when she heard, Livy wait.

She stopped this time and turned. He was walking towards her, hands in his pockets, just like he used to. I’m sorry about that, he said once he stopped. Can I – can I ask you to a coffee? She just looked at him. Thirty-seven years and he wanted coffee. It’s only a coffee. Please. I know a place just round the corner. Unless you’re busy. He didn’t want to say the last part, she could see that. He still had his hands in his pockets. And she couldn’t deny that she was curious about his life.

The coffee extended to a dinner. He talked about himself and asked her questions. He had three children, she had two, all of them doing well in their own ways. They laughed more than she expected. He never looked anywhere else, his eyes fixed on her, that look becoming clearer and clearer. She knew she should stop this even before she agreed to the dinner. It wasn’t right. She knew that look on a man, she knew that feel of him. But she couldn’t deny how much she liked it, how nice it was, how simply nice it was to be looked at like that again. He began touching her over dinner, or rather, half way through, he took her hand and looked at her ring and brushed his thumb over it, looking serious, maybe sad. It was a sudden and very intimate gesture that broke down all the politeness they had been floating on till then. He said, I was such a coward. Then he let her hand go.

The tears just happened, she never saw them coming. She did what she could to stop them, smudging her napkin with her mascara, and finally the tears stopped. She looked at him and saw what she had dreaded, what had made her so furious back then, what had hurt her so much. She had known he loved her. She had known it, felt it, her whole body and senses, every single part of her knew it. And then he told her he’d met someone else and that he’d fallen in love with her and all those other horrible things that made her slap him and throw things and kick him out of her flat. The worst was how he took it, how he never defended himself, as if he knew he deserved it. She couldn’t face him after that. Just hearing his name was too much. And then she saw them, a year later, walking down some street, near here. She saw them together, saw how happy they were, and something broke and couldn’t be repaired again. She met Arthur soon after and started a new life, a good life, but that was always there, a shadow in her heart she could never get rid of.

And now, thirty-seven years later, he said I was such a coward. She got up and left the table, left the restaurant and hailed a cab. He caught up with her before she could get one, holding her back, making her yank herself free. He said Livy, please and she snapped, My name is Olivia. Olivia, he said, I’m sorry if I said something stupid – but she interrupted him with a Don’t apologize. You made your choice and I respect that. Just don’t come along now acting as if you cared. He looked hurt, but said nothing. I never forgot you, he said then, but she just scoffed, looking to the sky, trying to hold back the goddamn tears. Her Moma had warned her, the nice ones were the worst. I don’t know why you’re doing this, she finally said. You don’t look divorced so it can’t be that – Livy. Olivia. I understand if you hate me, but at least let me apologize. For what, she asked. Almost past her fives and she felt like twenty-two again. He pulled her closer to the restaurant, out of people’s way, and she had no way to fight it. I shouldn’t have cared, he said, I know that. I always thought it was the time, but I know that was an excuse. There was no excuse for what I did. I just wanted you to know that. That, and that I never forgot you, and that I’m sorry for what happened. I can’t make it un-happened. I want to, but I can’t. It’s not like I don’t love my family. I love them, all of them, my wife, my kids and yet – I regret every day that I just threw it all away. I – I never wanted to hurt you. Livy. Olivia. I never wanted to hurt you. I was just – I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but I – I couldn’t let you walk away like that, without letting you know – I never meant it to be this way.

She just looked at him. Did he think this would change anything? He didn’t look like it, nor did he sound like it. He looked and sounded like someone who was saying I’m sorry and meant it. It took him almost four decades, but at least he got around to saying it. She nodded, Ok. He looked hopeful, but she stopped that when she said I should go home. Thank you for dinner. And without waiting, she walked to the next cab, got in without caring who hailed and drove home.

Three weeks later she received a huge bouquet of roses and a small gift-wrapped box with a bow. She opened the box and found the beautiful wristwatch in it, with a small card saying For a different time, Don. She had no idea what to think of it, except that he didn’t go by Donavan anymore. She looked at the watch. It was exquisitely light and very beautiful. She could never wear it. How explain it to Arthur, let alone the kids. She kept it hidden in her desk drawer and went back to the showroom, happy to entertain the next client. If she learnt one thing from what happened back then, then it was to stick to her ambition and start her own business. And now she had it, the kind of PR that was solid and ran really well, and it was all her own.

He kept sending flowers. Every Thursday, as if to commemorate their second meeting. Her assistant thought she had them ordered, she always put them in a tall glass vase on the round table she used for meetings. Once at her own desk, she couldn’t avoid seeing them. Every Thursday, a beautiful bouquet of flowers, very often roses, red, pink, cream, in all shades and always beautiful, filling her room with a perfect scent. Six months passed this way, every Thursday a bouquet of roses, and then she received an invitation to a fundraiser. It was too good to let pass, all she was thinking about when she accepted was the people she could meet there. New clients meant more business, and you could never have enough business. So she went with Arthur and saw him standing there with his wife, smiling, and she knew it, she just knew it. This was not going to end well.