storytelling – three good words

You’re going on a cross-country trip. Airplane, train, bus, car, or bike?

[train noises in the background]

Oh, look, the 3rd Peasant Revolt started on that mound over there. That very mound there, yes. No, no, the one where the cattle farmer had to sell his last cow to the local baron. You know, King John The Dreadful, raised the taxes for the seventh time, and all hell broke loose? That one. No, the fifth Civil War. The fourth was because of the famine, remember? Yeah, the one where they burnt down all the western ports. You had to do that in school didn’t you? Yeah, me, too. I could never remember the Six Terrible Kings, either.

That old thing? That’s the Red Barbican. The Romans burnt it down twice, hence the name. Yeah. They rebuilt it themselves the second time to keep the tribes out. That was during the Second Rebellion. No, the Second Rebellion. The first one was only an uprising. The Second Rebellion was the one where the tribes wiped out half a legion, remember? Then Rome sent Claudius Septimus Porta, The Butcher of the North, to pacify the borders. Killed ten thousand in three weeks, can you imagine? Vicious but effective. Apparently, there wasn’t another rebellion for 300 years. They’re still digging up bones, you know? Yeah, there’s a permanent dig somewhere close. Septimus Porta also built the Great Aqueducts, did you know that? After crushing the rebellion, the entire southwest was open for development, that’s why the cities and baths there are so old, they’re all former Roman settlements. See those arches? They’re part of the original aqueducts, the oldest ruins in the country, if you discount the henges, that is. Pretty, aren’t they? The Romans really knew their aqueducts.

By the way, that street over there is the only street that survived The Great Fire. Yeah, whole city went up in flames because a baker forgot a loaf of bread in an oven, at least that’s the story. City burned like a haystack for 7 days straight. That’s why there’s no half-timbering left that side of the river, more’s the pity.

Plague Pits to your left. Dread Alley to your right. Most murders in the 1880s, apparently. Samuel Bentworth’s Terror Alley is based on it. The Inspector Bowen trilogy, exactly! Well done. There’s a great BBC miniseries called Bowen Inspects, have you seen it? No? You should definitely check it out, it’s fantastic. Very atmospheric.

Oooh, look! That’s King Eduard The Stabber’s famous castle, Marchmond! Yes, right there at the crest! Oh, that’s pretty, isn’t it? Look at that silhouette. Apparently, his son, Henry The Beheader executed 3 wives, 4 uncles, 2 aunts, and 7 cousins there. It’s really pretty, isn’t it? A bit haunted, though. No one enters to the east wing after midnight, apparently. That’s why all the night guards get hazard pay.