We had fantastic history teachers who taught pattern recognition and insisted on historical context.
They were big on Nothing is inevitable and Look at who’s telling the story.Â
One history teacher especially was all about Double-check your sources because liars be lying.
They took their time to show us how oftentimes the biggest lies are the ones that make people feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Basically, if something felt like the perfect explanation with zero nuance, then someone was selling a story for some kind of profit. They set up exercises so we could find the story, identify the profit, and figure out the nuance.
Rather than tell, they showed us the complexity of human experience. And, they made us think, even when we didn’t want to. They made us sit in our discomfort. And gave us room to argue our points, especially if we argued well. That didn’t mean they agreed. They expected us to take the heat if we were already trying to prove them wrong.
Were they perfect? No. They had their foibles. But they were genuine educators who were passionate about their subject and were given the space to actually teach it. Which is how we got a capital E Education, and yes, I am grateful.
What tattoo do you want and where would you put it?
What is this the devilishment! Corruptor of souls! How dare you, sir! How dare you tempt the youth with such vile imaginings! Such filth! Begone, Spawn of Satan! Begone!
Client: What was that?
Tattoo Artist: Hm?
Client: There was a slight chill just now? Is there a window open?
Tattoo Artist: This place is 700 years old. We have at least five ghosts. They’re usually pretty chill, but then we had the extension done a couple years ago and Preacherman showed up.
Client: Preacherman?
Tattoo Artist: We had Beatrice come round, she’s the Wiccan two blocks over. Apparently, all those weird breezes we kept on having were Preacherman throwing a fit. He’s way more powerful than the others, probably because he doesn’t really know he’s dead? At least Beatrice says so. She checked the history. Apparently, there was a guy named Parsimonious Spigot who was chased down by a mob. He was one of those Hellfire preachers who hated the theatre, except with Charless II back people weren’t having Preacherman’s Puritan BS. Beatrice says the mob hung him off a pub sign right across the street.
Client: Wow. And he doesn’t know he’s dead?
Tattoo Artist: Beatrice say it’s more about believing you died? Like, if you don’t believe it, the whole dying thing doesn’t actually happen, so you stay stuck in limbo. It’s a bit complicated. Preacherman is apparently so powerful because it really hasn’t sunk in yet that he’s dead. So, he stays stuck here without actually being here, you know what I mean?
Client: I think so. So he’s a ghost without actually knowing he’s a ghost?
Tattoo Artist: Yeah. Except he’s really dead so he can’t move on to wherever people go next.
Client: Poor man.
Tattoo Artist: Don’t feel sorry for him. He burnt 15 women at the stake because someone accused them of witchcraft.
Client: No! That’s horrible!
Tattoo Artist: Preacherman is horrible. Pretty hateful guy. Beatrice says a rumor was enough for him to burn a woman to death, so, y’know, he got what he deserved.
Client: Except he doesn’t know he’s dead.
Tattoo Artist: Personally, I think he’s having a forever meltdown. I mean, imagine you’re dead but you don’t know it. That’s gotta mess with your head something vicious, right? And now there’s our place and he’s been pretty much losing it ever since.
Client: How so?
Tattoo Artist: You wanted an Ankh, didn’t you? On your ankle? You have the picture with you?
Client: Oh yes, here it is. It’s really pretty isn’t it.
Filthy Whore of Babylon! Spawn of Satan! I rebuke you! I rebuke you! See her demonic script! Witch! I banish you to the Unholy Realm! Devil’s Brood! Burn her! Burn her!
Client: Oh dear, there’s that chill again.
Tattoo Artist: That’s nothing. Watch this.
Client: Wait, that’s a pentagram and a triple 6.
THE SIGN OF THE BEAST!!! ABOMINATION!!! IN THE NAME OF THE ALMIGHTY GOD!!! I CONDEMN YOU SATANIC FILTH TO THE FIRES OF HELL!!!
Client: Oh wow! It moved! The piece of paper you wrote it on! Look! It just flew to the ground! How did you do that?
Tattoo Artist: That was Preacherman. Pretty sure he’s going batshit crazy right now.
THE FIRES OF HELL HAVE CONSUMED US!!! MERCIFUL FATHER WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US?!?! LOOK!!! OH WE SHALL ALL BE PUNISHED!!! WHAT IMPUNITY!!! SHAMELESS IGNOMY!!! FILTH!!! TO MOVE THUS UNDER GOD’S INFINITE EYE!!! SINNERS!!! DEMONS!!! VILE ABOMINATIONS!!! SEE HOW THEY DEFY THE HOLY LAW!!! HEATHENS!!! SAVE US, ALMIGHTY GOD!!! SAVE US!!! THE END HAS COME!!! SAVE US!!! NOOOOOO!!! THE SATANIC PEN HAS BEEN RAISED!!!! WE ARE FORSAKEN!!! WE ARE FORSAKEN!!!
You’re going on a cross-country trip. Airplane, train, bus, car, or bike?
[train noises in the background]
Oh, look, the 3rd Peasant Revolt started on that mound over there. That very mound there, yes. No, no, the one where the cattle farmer had to sell his last cow to the local baron. You know, King John The Dreadful, raised the taxes for the seventh time, and all hell broke loose? That one. No, the fifth Civil War. The fourth was because of the famine, remember? Yeah, the one where they burnt down all the western ports. You had to do that in school didn’t you? Yeah, me, too. I could never remember the Six Terrible Kings, either.
That old thing? That’s the Red Barbican. The Romans burnt it down twice, hence the name. Yeah. They rebuilt it themselves the second time to keep the tribes out. That was during the Second Rebellion. No, the Second Rebellion. The first one was only an uprising. The Second Rebellion was the one where the tribes wiped out half a legion, remember? Then Rome sent Claudius Septimus Porta, The Butcher of the North, to pacify the borders. Killed ten thousand in three weeks, can you imagine? Vicious but effective. Apparently, there wasn’t another rebellion for 300 years. They’re still digging up bones, you know? Yeah, there’s a permanent dig somewhere close. Septimus Porta also built the Great Aqueducts, did you know that? After crushing the rebellion, the entire southwest was open for development, that’s why the cities and baths there are so old, they’re all former Roman settlements. See those arches? They’re part of the original aqueducts, the oldest ruins in the country, if you discount the henges, that is. Pretty, aren’t they? The Romans really knew their aqueducts.
By the way, that street over there is the only street that survived The Great Fire. Yeah, whole city went up in flames because a baker forgot a loaf of bread in an oven, at least that’s the story. City burned like a haystack for 7 days straight. That’s why there’s no half-timbering left that side of the river, more’s the pity.
Plague Pits to your left. Dread Alley to your right. Most murders in the 1880s, apparently. Samuel Bentworth’s Terror Alley is based on it. The Inspector Bowen trilogy, exactly! Well done. There’s a great BBC miniseries called Bowen Inspects, have you seen it? No? You should definitely check it out, it’s fantastic. Very atmospheric.
Oooh, look! That’s King Eduard The Stabber’s famous castle, Marchmond! Yes, right there at the crest! Oh, that’s pretty, isn’t it? Look at that silhouette. Apparently, his son, Henry The Beheader executed 3 wives, 4 uncles, 2 aunts, and 7 cousins there. It’s really pretty, isn’t it? A bit haunted, though. No one enters to the east wing after midnight, apparently. That’s why all the night guards get hazard pay.
three good words 