the letter

white gloves and fan pen 3 candle frenchkissedonflickr sunlight amedrentar nickfeuntesatflickr

…yours ever, &c
an abrupt ending
opening words
pouring out in a sudden wave –
what madness is this?
to deny, to refuse
to insist on such needless things
as countenance, propriety
We must know our place…
but what is that
in the face of something so divine
as genuine, true, complete feeling?
they may be young, yes,
but not, to his mind, daft beyond decree
there was truth in this
and beauty beyond what any mortal could reach.

quick, quick
cut paper on surface
pen scratching ink
curves, loops, dashes
written in haste
soaked with feeling
demands, pleas
hoping, not jesting
trying to appease
papers waxed closed
an address written, posted
there, there
it is done
it is written
she must understand
the truth, the beauty
of such spontaneous overflow of feeling.

yet the torment begins
the second the envelope is sealed, posted
that torturous patience
of long hours waiting
for all to be read, understood
and hopefully, hopefully
answered, agreed
to continue the private, silent communication
where all the tools given are ink, paper
memory, imagination
and far too much feeling recollected in tranquility.

*

and thus it arrives
the letter
hastily opened, outside, far
hidden away from the curious
the nosy
young feet walking
young hands turning pages, paper
touched by others, close, known
young eyes reading, re-reading
reading once more
You must… You cannot…
half daze, half delirium, all delight
searching in every word
all the fields of meaning
until a call demands obedience
there are duties, all and one,
that must be followed.

and there it is, a clock chimes
it is time to visit
the one to whom communication
is deemed legitimate
not, in fact, the other
whose words lay pressed lightly
tightly against the young breast.

but no, alas
no one stands waiting
there is no need to play the proper lady
there is time yet to sit in plush seats, reading
what none must know
those felt words written
mapping what lies only
between a you, a me,
and countless yours ever, &c
that most intimate of privacy
daring thoughts, heartfelt feelings
quiet wishes, hidden dreams

I can… I will… I must…
hand-written
as if spoken from mouth to ear
now held and seen, repeated
in most natural light
falling through windows, glowing in trees
until the sun sets to darkness
brightened by the warmth of a flame

a night, a silence
filled with hope for the morrow
heartbeats young, doubting, certain
waiting with joy and fear
mixed to one sensation
true, beautiful, free.

© 2015 threegoodwords

 

blind walls

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

…what do you want to
write about
fight about
in the cave of your mind

where blind walls of irrelevance
rise high, so high

where the mystery
of abstraction
lies in wait to catch you out
trip you up

just when you thought you had it
by using the whole alphabet
of thoughts, words, music, feeling
unsaid, unspoken

stretching out like hills rolling
landscapes wide
a whole geography of me to you to me
and everyone else in between

populating the presence
of so many memories
hanging like tapestries
in wide open halls

where in the heat of before
what is known
is quietly sung at night
in that small corner

that hidden place
where you sit and play
on heart strings, melodious

in that rhythm and space
where a look, a glance
long past

are still warm to the touch
of the quintessential
the almost holy
from me to you to me
once more

.

 © 2014 threegoodwords

pursuit of happiness

fall 12

A year, almost.
Twelve months.

Fall was filling the streets with cardinal colours.

Marla no longer felt new in Ferin Mews.
Her loft was her home now,
her housemates peculiar accessories to her life.

If her life was the planet they were the satellites, rotating obscurely around her quotidian, always near yet out of reach. Though Sunny would join her in the kitchen for a cuppa if she wasn’t out and about, busy with her own life.

Sunny, yes.
Sunny was always busy.
An afternoon’s rest
an evening without something to do,
impossible.

If she wasn’t working, Sunny and her friends crowded into the apartment, laughing and screaming, giggling and shouting, talking about things Marla didn’t always understand.

There was fashion, there was music, there were the does and don’ts of post-adolescent life where you were just old enough to be grown up to the school-kids, but still young enough to be a kid for the real grannies and grandpas. Life was dreary after 25, and anyone who survived that dreadful age was both awesomely brave  and awfully to be pitied .

Some of Sunny’s friends, if they found Marla in the living room or kitchen or just down the hall, some of them would ask her how it was in The Life Beyond.

Wasn’t it terrifically difficult finding a decent bloke? Most, after all, were married or useless now anyway. Was it very difficult? It had to be bad. Was it? Were there any clubs she could go to without, you know, sticking out? She looked good, she really did, but still, she was, y’know, older? And why did she wear those really bright skirts? They were kind of ethnic weren’t they? Sometimes she looked like a Mexican – oh God, were you still allowed to say that?

Yes, of course!
No, you can’t!
Shame on you!
Heathens!
Endless arguments,
more giggling,
more questions,
more drinks.

Her hair was incredible by the way, and Sunny had told them she had a sari, which was ultracool, though cool was out and awesome was in, and if something was really magnificent it was super delish.

Marla answered as best as she could, trying to follow the ping-pong conversations that seemed to be made out of clauses. She was pleased however, when Sunny mentioned that her friends thought she was ‘swell’, (they had dug up the word from God-knows-where and now used it as their own group-speak). It was high praise for someone thirty, that horrible age when all desirability disappeared at the stroke of twelve.

*

wine 5Marla would sometimes relate the conversations she heard to her own friends. Theresa, Rena, Val and Beth laughed and shook their heads. They all started remembering their own early twens. That time when everyone was convinced they knew everything, and those older were either horribly disfigured or perfectly boring. Naturally everyone younger was puerile and childish and not to be considered. It was a blessed time of hubris, a time when one really felt like the king of the world, or rather the Queen of Sheba with King Solomon at her feet.

‘But would you want to go back?’ Beth asked last time, and everyone started laughing, ‘Oh God, no!’

The confusion,
the fading dreams,
the disillusionment.

The simple disappointment one had to live through, for all the nonsense and self-importance to be chipped away, for all the blue-eyed naïveté to be burned off by the blowtorch that was life… no, there was no need for that all over again. It was much better to know now, than to be learning then. Really, thank God it was over.

The conversation continued while Marla prepared dessert, missing out on most, until she handed out the plates of tiramisu. The whole table was laughing when Theresa suggested they all grab a fresher the next time they were out on town.

‘Never mind that you have to teach them everything,’ she grinned, ‘that way they don’t get messed up by someone else.’
‘I don’t know about teaching, love,’ Rena chuckled, ‘they’re pretty knowledgeable from what I hear.’

There was more laughter and Val had some news to tell anyway, so they moved on from there. After her friends left though, Marla couldn’t forget what Theresa said about being ‘messed up by someone else’.

Past experiences formed the present character, ok.
Ric and Alicia were… not a conventional couple.
Did she ever have a chance?

Was it all predetermined?
Maybe to a certain extent.
She could hardly influence her childhood.
Who could?

Marla did think she had a say on her more adult years though. She spent the rest of the night wondering if she would have been someone different if she hadn’t met Eric.

Eric. Well.

Would she be different
if she’d never moved to New York?
Probably.
Those three years did change a lot.
Yet she couldn’t say she was completely altered.

She was still hardworking professionally.
Easy-going personally,
More optimistic than pessimistic.
And she still loved being in company.

That hadn’t changed,
The core was still the same.
Everything else though, that had gone through various revolutions.

She didn’t take things for granted as much as she used to.
She was more careful with herself, emotionally speaking.
She was no longer so reckless in her demands on life.
She had become a little more content with what she had.
Yes, that had changed.

grasses

All this pursuit of happiness,
it killed you.

It was a real chase on the other side, all the way over there.
It was like 5.0 racing through the square streets with all the sirens blaring.

And you had to give everything a shot,
you needed all the ammunition you got,
And then, when you thought you had it, this happiness,
this perfection that was apparently all what it was about –

Then it was skin and bones and hardly breathing,
and you had to race to the hospital to get a reanimation,
and have the doctor shake his head and order a steady diet,

real carbs
real fruits
real exercise
and fresh, fresh air

Which meant at least ten weeks in an exclusive help-centre in Vermont.

Marla hoped Heather was doing better.

They wrote emails, they talked on the phone. Heather wouldn’t Skype yet, she didn’t feel ready for a screen, but she was good with the phone. She said she had put on weight. She didn’t sound as stressed-out/spaced-out as she used to. Marla guessed that was a good thing.

Sadie said something like that would never have happened in San Francisco, but Marla wasn’t too sure. She packed her bags and returned home. She’d been thinking about it for some time anyway. Especially after Eric turned out to be as immature and irresponsible as her mother had warned her he would be – that was the worst part of it.

Marla felt it was that, that had angered her most about Eric:
That he made Marla make that concession,
That her mother was proven right instead of wrong.
How on earth was she ever to voice doubt again?

Anyway, now she was in Ferin Mews, living in a lovely loft.

With a happy blonde,
a quiet bartender,
and a whole Irish pub downstairs.
It wasn’t what she expected.
It wasn’t the West Side flat she shared with Heather

Heather who wanted to try out a bohemian life
before she married a stock broker,
and sent her kids to schools that taught Mandarin.

She only let Marla move in because
‘co-habs are character-building and so a good thing’
and Marla was ‘so exotic and beautiful and strange’
Heather, verbatim.

The place was ‘a treat’ as they said.
And Heather was really nice, once you got over her prep-school ways.

And exhausting.

It was so exhausting.
It drained everything out of her.
Eric. Heather. New York.

Everything she was,
everything she had,
it just got sucked in and disappeared.
Three years
one huge drain on her soul.
So she left.

She had to.
It was either that or no sanity.
Marla preferred to be sane.
And made sure to call Heather.
They wrote emails, texts, words
and once a week they talked on the phone.

Marla really hoped she was better.

© 2014 threegoodwords

plus 1

beer 5It was raining again, which was good, he liked the rain crowd. They were quieter somehow, saner than what happened when the sun was out. Caden didn’t know what the sun did to people, if they heated up over the day more, so tempers just boiled over by the time they showed up. Summer fights were always much worse than when it rained or snowed. People had less on though, so maybe it was that. Cuts and punches went deeper, looked worse with nothing to soak up the blood. Whatever it was, Caden preferred the rain crowd, they tended to mind their own business more, drinking pints, ordering whatever Siobhan had on the menu, or standing at the boards and tables having a decent time.

It was a quiet day, so Caden checked the taps, the third one was giving some trouble lately. Turns out it wasn’t anything serious, the tubes just got twisted again, Christ he’d told Mike five times to watch out for that. Anyway, after that was fixed, he sorted out the last sign-up, they needed an extra set of speakers and were definitely having an entrance fee, they expected half their fanbase to show up. Caden did the math, and told Becca to get Sean on the tickets.

After that, Caden took three orders, two Guinness one lager for the three at the screen, Man U was playing, but they were Chelsea fans. The Merlot and the Chardonnay for the girls at the pool table, and two pints for the couple in the booth, arguing quietly. After that was done, he checked the menu Siobhan suggested for the next three days and changed the soup. It was bound to get warmer again next week, Steff kept on sending out updates about the weather. Once thought of, Caden couldn’t ignore it anymore. He needed a plus one. Steff had been very clear on having a full table. At the last dinner he couldn’t avoid, Richter basically begged him to come, he wouldn’t survive it otherwise, well, last time it was, ‘I swear to God Steve, if anyone of you fuck’s it up I will kill you. All of you. I mean it. It took me six months to set up everything, this is going to be perfect.’ So, if Caden wanted peace for the next five years, he needed a plus one.

Problem was, he didn’t have anyone to take with him. Sunny was coming anyway, but she wanted to stay free to ‘nab whatever fresh meat’s gonna be there’, which Caden didn’t comment on. So, a plus one. Only who? Sunny said he should ask Marla, but Caden didn’t want to ask Marla. Ever since Vicky got herself carted off to A&E, Marla looked at him like he was part of some Greek tragedy. He knew she was waiting for him to explain, but how start that? It was bad enough that she knew Vicky existed. People always got curious once he started, then they wanted to meet her and then the real mess began. Nah, better not. She still gave him those looks though. And frankly, it would be convenient to have her around. She’d be able to keep an eye on Sunny when he wasn’t looking.

*

It was after her girls came over again. It was like a ritual with them, once, maybe twice a month, Marla asked if she could have a bottle or two of his wines, always offering to pay, which was ridiculous. So he decanted one and left the other on the counter, half an hour later her girls piled into the house. They were the kind you’d expect on a hen night, loud, laughing, wolf-whistling down the street, especially that Theresa. She looked good, they all looked good actually, they kept themselves well, which was nice to see. He got to see some disturbing things these days. Half of them seemed to have forgotten their underwear. He couldn’t count the times he was faced with some girl, pissed through her brain, her tits spilling out onto the counter all naked. Or the other ones who started jumping around and he ended up hoping she at least had a thong on, some drunks were watching a bit too closely. He did keep a look out, but he couldn’t be everywhere all the time and anyway, it really wasn’t any of his business what they wore, as long as the Met didn’t turn up afterwards.

candles 6This time the crowd was quiet, there was no match on so it was just the usual Wednesday crowd, easy to deal with, regular, the kind Caden liked most. Coach Lewis dropped by for a couple pints and complained about Bayern Munich again, and Greggs couldn’t stop ranting about his wife, but it was all right, Caden didn’t mind. He just stood by, nodded when he had to, and wiped down the glasses in the back so he didn’t forget them again. It was an easy evening, and luckily, Marla’s girls were out by the time he closed up the place and went up. She was still in the kitchen though, the lights out, candles on the sideboard and the sill. She had a thing with candles. It was strange though, coming up and having her scrub pans in the sink. It felt like something out of a movie he’d probably seen somewhere. Anyway, he helped her with the last, she still had some wine left, so he poured out two glasses, they drank some and he finally asked if she was busy Saturday two weeks from now. She said, ‘Ah… no, I don’t think so, why?’ So he explained. Marla listened, nodding. He wrapped it up with,

‘You don’t have to but – it’s not too bad. It’s just a bit of a party really.’
‘Ok. Is it very – I don’t know – fancy?’

Caden smiled. Fancy didn’t even begin to describe.

‘Steff likes it… just think top hats and cut-aways.’
‘Oh. Ok. Wow. I’ll have to check what I’ve got –’
‘You’ll be fine –’
‘Oh, don’t worry,’ she smiled suddenly. It always caught him off guard. She had an incredible smile. ‘I’ll get enough help, Theresa’ll make sure of that.’

He liked how easy it was, how he didn’t have to watch out with how he explained it. He needed a plus one to Steff’s second wedding, and thought she’d be good company. Sunny would be there anyway, so they could all show up. Naturally she asked questions, but he could explain most of it without going into too much detail by the time they were done with the wine. She did say,

‘So she’s not really your sister?’
‘We grew up together.’
‘But you’re not related.’
Caden drained his glass and said, ‘No. Definitely not.’

Marla wanted to say something, he knew it, but she stopped herself, finished her wine and said,

‘Ok. I think I should go up, it’s been a long day. Good night.’
‘Night.’

He liked that about her. She really did mind her own business. And she’d stayed much longer in the loft than he expected. Maybe she wasn’t like all the others on the hill, but you never knew really. It could be good for three years, and then suddenly it was all wrong for God knows what reason. He never understood what happened with Ella. From one day to the next, she just got – vicious. Vicky said it was all Steff, dripping poison into her ear ‘like in that play, what’s it called.’ ‘Hamlet.’ ‘Yes, that. Poisoned her brain, that one, you bet your fuckin’ arse on it.’ Caden didn’t know, and it didn’t matter anymore anyway. Ella was history and Steff was getting married, which was two problems solved without much effort.

© 2014 threegoodwords

at the window, 1

la-piscine

So maybe she was a little different, ok.
Maybe she did live an unusual life, all right.

Alain Delon was beautiful. Back then.
Then he went Bardot. A pity.

So maybe she thought a bit too much.

Romy Schneider? Gorgeous.
She’d love to have a swimming pool.

Crystal blue. Shrubs and greenery seaming the stone.
Hot, hot days.
White cushions to sink into.
Drinking longdrinks, ice clinking, stumbling about.
Without all that mess in the end.

‘Intellectual’ was a silly word.
She took the time to think one thought through to the end
before starting with another.

It started in Paris, as these things start. Then there was India, then a long stint in New York. Finally, London where one could find India just a few streets away.

How many of them wished they were young again?
Young and beautiful and daring
without all those crazy mistakes they made?
How many wanted none of that, and were actually that thing that was so rare: How many were happy, content, blissfully self-aware?

*

candles 2

Alone in her room, naked except for an old bathrobe, Marla continued smoking her cigarette. She rarely smoked, but right now she felt like one. Windows open, the night black, lights speckling the emptiness. The bathrobe was a cheap piece from a corner shop in Camden, cream with black borders. A violently red and purple dragon with golden fangs and talons on the back. The black sash kept everything from falling wide open.

Behind her, La Piscine, The Swimming Pool, flickering across the screen. She carried the whole thing up there just recently, plugged in all the cables, figured out all the channels, and found a way to get that French one as well. No advertisements, just movies, short and long, documentaries, reports, news, interviews, exactly what a girl wanted.

Delon smoldered on the screen.
Schneider beamed back, cheekily.
They were beautiful. Back then. What a pity.
Age should not happen to people.
It softened something, in the muscles, in the brain.

And then you started saying very stupid things
with absolute conviction.

But he was that. Then. So was she, but she… that was sad. A real pity.
And the cute girl with the cropped hair, sun-kissed skin and the blotched bright dress, pouting. As she would, if he ran off like that. What happened to her? Was she ever seen, filmed, screened again?

Marla turned away, she knew the rest.

Standing at the open window, she drank from her cup of tea.
The chill breeze slipped icily over her skin. She didn’t move though. She didn’t readjust the belt, everything was slipping, but she was safe from curious eyes. All around were only rooftops and chimneys.

It was quiet enough to hear that low throb of the pub downstairs.

If she thought about it long enough, it was as if the music was rising up through her toes, up past her calves and thighs, all the way into her.

He had taught her not only to listen, but to feel.
How old was she, five? Seven? Somewhere there.

Sitting cross legged in front of the record player, having him hold her on his lap, telling her who the singer was, where they were playing, showing her the sleeves. She understood nothing, but she felt it, the music, rising up from the floor through her toes and soles, up her legs all the way into her, until it wrapped itself around her heart and filled the beat, until she felt it way down to what she knew was her core.

Singing to the music was a part of it after that. Humming, tapping, clapping, remembering the lyrics when it caught that cord in her soul.

That was them, then. Alicia and Ric, Ma and Pa.
The music, the laughter, the crazy friends.
Those late nights where Marla would wake up and hear the bongos and guitars downstairs, the singing and laughter. Always the laughter, real, genuine, from the heart.

And she would creep down with Jackson and Sadie, and see their mother and father dance and sing, and play their instruments with their friends, drinking straight out of wine bottles and finishing a whole bottle of whisky, sometimes even climbing onto the table top. Or when Bella, Dr. Garcia’s Andalusian wife, would dance a flamenco that was breathtaking.

Bella showed them how to make paella, her mother was from the north east, near Bilbao. She said it wasn’t right if you weren’t close to the sea. Marla still made it at family dinners.

food 5

It was a Brandon tradition to eat dinner together, all five of them, Alicia, Ric, Jackson, Sadie and herself, mother, father, and three kids. Dinners were always loud, boisterous. Arguments, laughter, more arguments. Plates, bowls and drinks, salt, pepper, chutney and masala passed around without actually breaking the conversation.

Her new housemates were quiet eaters.
If they did eat together, which was rare.
If they did eat together, then it was done quickly, as if eating was a nuisance to get over with.

Marla loved long dinners. She watched, amazed.

The hasty cooking, the impatient sitting down and getting up, the rush to rinse dishes and stack everything into the dish washer. If anything was said, then it had to do with plans for the pub, some new acquaintance Sunny had made the previous night or what was happening in her circle of friends.

Caden seemed to have no private life.
At least he never mentioned one.

He seemed only to exist to see that the pub did good business, that the supplies were well-stocked, and that the bands signed up in time and had enough equipment.

The tea was still warm, almost hot, nicely smooth and sweet.
The cup warmed her hand, the cigarette glowing in the dark, red.

He wasn’t rude, nor in fact quiet.
He was simply very sparse with his words.
Attentive though. And observant.

You had to be, to keep a pub running without fights breaking out.
That bloke who thought someone had looked at his girl wrong.
Those two who thought Sunny was fair game.
Caden just needed to ask the person if he could help him on and all was settled again.

It didn’t happen often though. O’Connor’s was a place where friends came to have a pint, play a game of darts or pool. Every now and then old rivalries would break through, yes, but if Sunny couldn’t break it up, Caden would.

He really didn’t do anything.
He was just there.
It was that look.
Hard to describe really.

And then there was Sunny. They were so different in temperament and character. Marla was surprised that they managed to live in the same house for so long.

She knew bits and pieces now.

What was now the office used to be Adam O’Connor’s room, the man who took over the derelict pub many years back, at least twenty from what Marla understood. Caden’s last name was Tellis though, so he could hardly be Adam’s son. Sunny was Adam’s niece, she moved in with Adam in her early teens. There was more to that, but she couldn’t ask yet. In a few weeks, maybe.

Adam passed away a few years back, four or five, Marla couldn’t say.

They missed him, both in their own way. Sunny with comments that started with, ‘Adam used to say’, Caden by never mentioning him unless Sunny made him, and then only very little. They must have been close though. Caden rightfully owned O’Connor’s and the whole house with it.

How did that happen?
She would have to wait.
A few months maybe.

Marla drew on her cigarette, exhaled.
Her fingers were still stained from the Henna.
Diwali was just a week away.

Sunny walked into the kitchen and asked Marla about the lamps. Marla explained about the fight of good and evil, the victory of the light within. Sunny was surprised. A bit amused. She asked if she was into religion, a bit as if Marla had a limp. Marla made tea and asked Sunny if she wanted a cup. They sat down at the scrubbed-wood table, and Marla explained her years in India, seven in total, rain seasons in Mumbai, and summers in Madras with family friends.

Lighting the candles.
Standing on the veranda,
hearing the insects, seeing the night.
The ocean, wide.
Stars out in billions.
Life.

candles 3They had a long talk about what it meant to have a faith, if it made sense to have one and what Sunny believed in –  ‘I mean, I guess there’s something, but I really wouldn’t know what it is, y’know?’ – and how it had been to go to confession when she felt she had nothing to confess. It was the first serious talk they had. It left Marla with the feeling that despite her happy, chatty ways, Sunny did have a few deeper thoughts in her head.

Caden said nothing to the lamps, the candles, nor the mehndi Marla painted on Sunny’s hands. Sunny really liked them, ‘It’s like a tattoo but it isn’t? That’s totally cool!’

That afternoon was filled with stories about make-up, fashion and boys. A lot about boys. Mostly about boys actually, and what utter idiots they were. And how cute. And how stupid. And how sweet. And how thick. And how lovely. And how utterly useless, really there was no point in them anyway. But whatever-his-name was really hot, drool-worthy, awesome.

Marla smiled. Sunny was twenty after all.
Marla had mellowed to live and let live, but Sunny still made radical stands.
Twenty.
That was almost ten years ago. A decade. A whole decade.
She was thinking in decades now.
Like when she said ‘last time’ and realised it was actually three years ago.
And ‘yesterday’ had turned into last year.

© 2014 threegoodwords

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