small things – three good words

October 24, 2014May 17, 2020

saying hi

Not PG Rated

I just wanted to drop by, say Hi, see how she’s doing. Jermaine and Vaughn were waiting in a bar downtown, and her place was on the way. I walked in with the take-away guy, she looked pretty shocked to see me. She didn’t have enough money on her for her order, she’d confused the bills, so I paid. Her face got seriously red then, like, cherry. That guy she’s dating must be totally whipped by now.

She let me in though, offered a beer so I thought hell, why not, my boys can wait. We even shared her dinner, though she said it was mine coz I’d paid. I told her to stop worrying about that, and we had a good time just talking. Kind o’ got outta hand though. It’s the way she looks at you, with those huge eyes, they’re this deep blue, like she’s begging you to get her clothes off nice and fuck her real slow, y’know, real good, and that’s kind o’ what happened. She looked real bad after, guilty, so I pulled her close, y’know, tryin’ to comfort her and tell her it’s ok, happens to everyone at some point, and that kind o’ got outta hand as well. She was crying afterwards, said she was a horrible person, and how could she ever look Sean in the eye again, over and over, she just wouldn’t stop.

So, I tried to calm her down, told her this had nothing to do with him, it was her life, not his. She stared at me like I’d just shot someone, so I told her the truth, it would do her no good to start talkin’, coz her guy’d never understand. She was still crying, sayin’ how she’d cheated on him and how could anything ever work after that, so I said, she didn’t cheat on him, she just had sex with someone else. She stared at me again, that straight stare like I’d just said plain murder the guy right there. As I said, a bit innocent sometimes, but it’s part of her and it’s kind o’ cute. So I went all out and said, ‘Look, you don’t know what Sean does when you’re not around, so don’t bother him with your stuff.’ She got a bit angry there, how I could even think that Sean would ever and all that, and all I said, ‘He’s a guy Amanda, and guys are guys most of the time.’

That’s when she went all quiet and said, ‘So, this was just a fuck?’ I didn’t know what to say. I mean, sayin’ Yeah would’ve made her cry all over again, and I didn’t wanna say No neither, so I said, ‘I’m sorry,’ which made it worse, coz she started cryin’ and got angry at the same time, which is a helluva combo. She can get real loud. Took me almost an hour to calm her down, and we kind o’ ended up doin’ it again, coz I’d been tellin’ her that she’s beautiful and everything, which is true, she’s awesome, but she took it all wrong of course, but what’s a guy to do? It’s the way she looks at you and if you know how it is to feel her all hot and tight and just so good, it’s hard to say no, y’know? Real hard. So hard, Vaughn had to call me up so that I could get my ass outta there. Man, I really fucked that up. I really just wanted to drop by and see how she’s doin’, y’know, nothin’ special. Next time, I’ll just cut past that street. If it gets outta hand like that again, she’ll probably start screamin’ the house down. Fuck, I just wanted to say Hi. Now, I’ll probably have to drop the diner and their coffee’s the best this side o’ town.

October 12, 2014May 17, 2020

chance encounter

Dana has stopped fearing the dark. That woman isn’t about to come tearing into the diner to knife her down. It’s been a while since their last night. Six weeks at least, if not more. Dana forced herself to stop counting. She only managed because she’s seeing someone now. His name is Sean, he works in an office and has a nice apartment not far away from the diner. He’s not bad looking, a bit taller than herself with short dark hair that he takes good care of, and he has very nice, clear blue eyes.

They met at a party Samantha took her to, and he asked her out for a drink after they chatted for a while in a corner of the living room. Dana went because Christie forced her to, and Sean made her laugh more than expected which calmed her down. He was very sweet, asked her to the movies and went out for a nice Italian dinner with her. She waited till the fourth date before she agreed to go to his place for a drink. There they talked for over an hour, drinking Screwdrivers with expensive vodka. Sean kissed her when she came back from using the bathroom. She had learnt that a bathroom said almost everything you needed to know about a guy. Sean’s bathroom was tidy without being freakish, which was a relief.

She came back and sat down, Sean leaned into her and said ‘You’re very beautiful.’ That’s when he kissed her. She enjoyed it and didn’t mind when he stole his hands under her top. Soon enough he grew hasty, but she asked him to slow down, which he did. He smiled sheepishly and took his time. It was nice, she enjoyed it, but she didn’t stay the night. She told him she had some stuff to do the next day, something with Christie. Sean nodded and smiled a that’s-ok smile. He walked her to his door and kissed her again, he was a really good kisser. Then she went home. That was three weeks ago, and they kept on seeing each other about three times a week. It was nice. Dana felt cared for, and she liked that.

The Prince has decided to leave his Kingdom and pay a visit to a dilapidated monk who lies wasted in the arms of an Angel. In His arms a body feels fragile and frail, the movements too quick, the suddenness too hard, yet His smile brings life back again. Questions are asked which are answered accordingly, he doesn’t want her, the sister, the mother, the soul that allowed him to conceive a possibility of rest, he doesn’t want her to feel she has failed. The Prince stays for an evening, eating and drinking, laughing and talking and then in a moment he remembers that last week was the Seventh which explains the sadness in His Highness’ limbs, the weight holding down the light in His royal eyes. He refrains from asking about Her, whom the Prince will never mention, will never acknowledge with a syllable or a sound, only to feel weak with curiosity, buried underneath questions, for they had been marvelous once, but that was in another life, another world, so perfect and terrible it was close to a fairy tale.

While clearing the debris of the evening he cautiously points to the fact of the Seventh looming dark in the past. She smiles sadly and nods saying that it was to be expected. He still loves Her, she says and her eyes say it is a deep love, like those sung in stories, and her body says the Prince is not alone in His misery, but he turns away before he reads the last sentence written on her skin, feeling the tatters of his monk’s habit flail. Even now in her presence it is too much for him, too much to see her honesty, too much to feel the presence of the past between them. For despite all attempts to the contrary, certain words have not yet been said.

On her knees she holds him firmly, gently, tightly, covering him with heat and softness, sucking him in till there’s just blackness and rain turning the ceiling to sleet. In intervals she releases and descends, withholding and repenting, increasing in boldness and subtlety, an ingenious trick that makes his thoughts drop dead and his brain suffer a heart attack. On the plains, outstretched, he is only reaction, a body burnt by the sun, melted to a carnal cry, dark and dissolving in the fading light. When he is alive again she lies next to him, smiling against his skin, kissing away the remnants of his sanity, subjecting him to the loss of will and power, leaving him without direction, a lobster, cooked and roasted, without a shell.

Dana is in the Mall with Sean. It’s Samantha’s birthday soon, and since Sean knows her now, they decided to pick a present together. Neither have a clue what to give her, Sam always has the newest gadgets, and she loves glittery things. Dean takes Dana’s hand and smiles when she smiles at him. They walk on to the next shop but find nothing there and take the escalator to the next floor. It should be something playful, something that makes Samantha laugh. They’re walking past a electronics store when someone walks out and almost into them. He apologizes immediately – ‘Amanda!’

He looks genuinely happy to see her. Dana wants the ground to break open and swallow her whole. She finally remembers Sean and says,

‘Hi. Sean, this is Carmine. Carmine, Sean.’

Both nod at each other. Dana can barely make herself look at Sean.

‘How you been?’ Carmine says. Dana blushes bright red.
‘I’m good. We’re looking for a birthday present for my friend Samantha.’
‘The blonde one?’

The fact that he remembers makes Dana blush even more.

‘Yeah. It’s her birthday this weekend.’
‘Sweet,’ is all he says before looking at Sean and smiling an easy, open, How’s-it-going smile.
‘Well, don’t let me keep you,’ he says. ‘I’ll see you round.’

Next he’s gone and Sean turns to her asking,

‘Who’s that?’ quote 1
‘Oh, just a guy from work,’ Dana says, her ears very hot.

She turns to Sean and forces her whole face to smile. She even goes so far as to kiss Sean, who takes the kiss a little further before he suggests that they check the ticket store, the mall still has one and apparently Sam mentioned something about a band. Dana remembers to nod. They start walking but – What was that? Why was he so happy? Why didn’t he even care?

October 11, 2014May 17, 2020

love, actually

Not PG rated

The sun is milky while she lies sleeping on the cushions. She was reading, the pages lie open on her chest. He carefully picks up the piece, puts it on the table. He sits back on the glass and watches her, the proof that she is real. Some time between the successions of dawn and dusk, pain faded and allowed something else to live between them, opening up the possibility of peace.

There are no sheets. The plains barely clad, cool in their smoothness where dark pillars rise leading down to the source forgotten yet known where he drowns repeatedly tasting the texture of a touch while the heat spreads and silence is no longer a sound.

Under his hands she comes alive reaching under his skin, pulling out the pieces while he looses the last bit of weakness that fills the deep he’s breathing in, steady, steady, in and out, rise and fall, a force of life till time no longer runs and rushes but melts down into heat and darkness filled with light she holds in her hands, pressing the past into his skin, marking his body burning deep past muscle into bone until it comes like fog falling down the mountain before she cries, softly, and the air is free again.

Her body is his blanket, he does not need more against the cold. She has allowed him, released an amnesty for this witching hour where his body felt stripped, without armor, newborn, real. She has turned a blind eye on the truth that they both know for this long moment between night and morning and in her mercy there is no weakness yet he felt no strength of his own.

At a loss now, he searched for paths and ways, roads otherwise traveled that would show him what to do with his life, void and meaningless as it was without her acceptance of those words that made up his apology. The words would need to be said no matter how often he threw them against the walls barbed with silent terror, no matter how often he sent them flying, crashing against the fortress of consequence. Every living thing insisted that they be said, be it just once, otherwise everything worth living for would be dead and what was more sacred than the rise and fall, that steady beat right under the curve of her breast?

‘You haven’t been here yet, have you?’ she asks. I shake my head. We’re at her new place, an apartment she shares with a friend. It looks good, books on the table, some magazines on the easy chair, a couple o’ plants. There’s music coming out of a closed door, she whispers, ‘Eddy’s here,’ grinning like that. Must be her friend’s guy then. She asks me if I’d like some coffee, we almost got caught in the rain. I keep it to, ‘Yeah, why not.’ We talk some about everything while she walks around, those jeans fit her perfect. Like always, I don’t know what to do, exactly. She looks relaxed, she always does, there’s nothing that can really throw Celine. She pours out the coffee into mugs, stirs in milk and sugar and hands me one. She still knows how I take it. Nice.

She’s sitting on her desk chair now, facing me. I’m on her bed, she’s still got the best I’ve ever seen. Probably coz I know she’s usually in it. I’d like to stop this waiting. She finally looks back at me. She stops talking, I don’t know what she just said. She takes a sip of coffee and puts her cup down on her desk. Then she turns back to me, gets up and straddles me slow, pulling off my scull cap just like she used to. Her hands fit light on my head. She says, ‘I really like these studs on you.’ I kiss her before she starts thinking twice about it, it’s happened before. Or worse, back then, way at the beginning. Half the night talking, arguing, fighting until she was crying, shouting, ‘Why don’t you even try to get me! Why won’t you even try to understand!’ She was so pissed… Her eyes all wet, and that look on her face like I was fucking up her life on purpose. That whole weekend was – bad. Just bad. I didn’t know nothin’ then. I don’t want that now. She looks too good now.

She’s smiling when I pull her closer. Her lips are as soft as ever. Just kissing her again is… why’d nobody say you had to know stuff early? That it could happen before graduation? That your girl could just know, really know what was out there? Why’d no one say?

We used to spend whole nights just doing this, hidin’ out in her room, her folks wouldn’t let her stay out after ten, especially with me. Her old man… that guy was tough. So, she’d sneak me in when her folks were sleeping, and then… Learnt to wait with her, wait until she took out one from that pink case in her drawer next to the bed. She got me used to them, she wouldn’t let me otherwise. ‘I love you Alec, but I don’t want your babies just yet.’ She meant it to. We made plans. After, with her all curled up nice, her skin perfect, her heartbeat this steady real thing right under my hand. We’d talk about it, that house, those cars, that pool. Having everyone over for cookouts, getting Nate for the barbecues. We’d had it all planned out. ‘Xcept I thought she was just dreamin’ it up. She meant it from the start.

I remove everything on her after she pulls off my sweater, taking the shirt with it, she always does it like that. She smiles, ‘Still working the gym I see.’ Her hands are warm, perfect, why’s it with her that she just knows? I lay her out on her bed before I go for her breasts. I’ve missed them like nothing else, she’s got the most perfect pair. We both get her out of her jeans, lingerie – holy shit – wait, wait, I wanna see that – fuck… I have to ask,

‘Where’d you get this from.’
‘London.’
‘London? Like, London, England?’ books 2
‘Yeah. We have this mandatory thing where you have to leave the country for at least two weeks. I can’t do a full term so I took the two weeks Literary London. That’s how Professor Bernard calls it.’

Sometimes I just want her life. It’s always just a second, but it keeps on turning up and then I just want that way of being at the right place at the right time. Just knowing how it’s done.

‘When was this?’
‘Two months ago.’
‘How was it?’
‘Really nice. I got to see a lot.’
‘And buy this.’
‘Yeah.’

She smiles there, pulls me down – her lips are still the softest. And she did come back. She always comes back.

I go for what’s waiting between her thighs, smooth, her legs are endless with these tiny feet. There’s nothing like what she tastes like. I stay till she’s there, right there, she’s easy on her voice, her hands on my head, her feet rubbing up and down my back and I want her to black out, make her come so hard she just falls apart. I got her crying once, but now’s not the time. I’ll split open if I don’t do something – that’s new. Probably from over there. Did she –? Now’s not the time. Fits too, and I sure hope she still has a few coz I love being inside this woman. I love fucking her so much I always want to marry her right after. I’d ask her too if I didn’t know she’d just look at me and roll her eyes like I was bullshitting. Or smile that smile from that other world she lives in, which’d be worse, but now’s not the time.

. . .

‘Alec?’
‘Hm.’

That was just too good. Maybe I should move back up here again.

‘Do you still write?’

I kiss her instead of answering, I don’t want to have to explain that. I keep it long, but after I let her go she asks, ‘You still write, don’t you?’ I can’t answer that. She sits up a bit and looks at me. It’s her look, the one only she has, that special mix of anger and disappointment that she tops off with that tone as if she doesn’t know who I am anymore.

‘Why don’t you write anymore? Alec? Why don’t you write anymore?’
‘There’s no point.’
‘Why? You love to write, why’d you stop?’

She’s sitting up straight now, staring at me. If I’d said I’d robbed a place she’d look just the same. I still say it,

‘That’s not me anymore.’
‘Of course it’s you –! Alec, that’s like the one thing – ’
‘Carmine.’
‘What?’
‘Carmine. In the city, people call me Carmine.’
‘Why?’
‘Dunno. Just started.’
‘Carmine?’
‘Yeah. Or Car.’
‘Car? You mean, like, the thing you drive in?’
‘Yeah.’

I can’t help smiling. She looks really surprised.

‘But, Alec, you’re not a machine.’

It’s stuff like that, these things she says that make it so crystal how no matter what I do, I’ll never get her and she’ll never get me. Maybe Nisha’s right and street stays street, no matter what you do to get rid of it. Yeah, it says Alec Bellamy on my license, but that ain’t really me. At least not all me, and Celine here… she never got that. And I don’t think she ever will.

October 10, 2014May 17, 2020

together, apart

Man, that was too much – wait, what the – table’s laid, candles. I know Aly’s with J. Some concert, they’re always at some concert or reading or whatever. Lemme check first. Yep, Nisha’s in the kitchen, playin’ cook. Ok. First get rid of this – I should really get that fixed. Any deeper and the stuffin’s out. How did she get in? I say ‘Hi’ anyway. Nisha turns and smiles wide. She looks good. And she’s in that mood again, wrappin’ her arms around my neck and kissing me like that’s so normal.

‘How’d you get in?’
‘Aly borrowed me her key.’

Thought so.

‘So what is it?’
‘What’s what?’

I nod at the stove. Nisha smiles.

snack ‘It’s a recipe from my Moma – don’t worry, I know how to make it.’
‘I’ll take a shower first.’
‘Sure. Take your time. Still got half an hour.’
‘Cool.’

The water’s hot and good, Aly’s place always has good pressure. I don’t get what Nisha’s up to. She hasn’t talked to me for over a month, six weeks actually. For all I know she’s been fucking that studio guy since we fought. So why now?

She must have memorised her Moma’s recipe, coz that was seriously good. We’re on the couch now, and watching a movie. I think she’s trying to make this out like some kind o’ date night. Yeah, I’m surprised, this ain’t the Nisha I know, but I keep it down. Nisha’s been honey sweet all evening, course I don’t trust it. She’s up to something. Movie’s about done, she’ll probably start right after. Unless I can catch her off guard.

‘Nisha.’
‘Hm.’
‘What’s goin’ on.’
‘What?
‘You’re here.’
‘Yeah, course I am.’
‘Why’re you here?’’
‘Coz I missed you,’ she smiles and squeezes up against me. Yeah, right. She must’ve seen it, coz she ups it with,
‘So I hear you’ve been goin’ out some.’
‘Really.’
‘Yeah. Some white girl downtown.’

Shit. I better call her up, check if she’s ok. You never know with Nisha. She’s got sources.

‘Says who?’
‘Who cares? I heard it. It ain’t true, is it?’

Nisha’s way too calm about this. I really should check on her, Amanda. Longer you say it, better it gets. Last thing she needs is Nisha on her case. Knowing her, she wouldn’t know how to deal with that. I keep it to,

‘So, why’re you here?’

Nisha straddles me and starts kissing my face.

‘I missed you, baby, ain’t that enough?’
‘Hm.’

I watch her take off her top, bra, her tits plop out nice. When she leans down again I can’t help myself. ‘Tanisha, why’re you here?’ She sits up and looks at me like I’m a fuckin’ asshole for asking.

‘What’s so crazy about me wanting to see my boyfriend?’
‘I thought we’d quit?’

She didn’t expect that.

‘Coz you see, someone told me you’re fucking that guy from the studio.’

She rolls her eyes and smiles, a bit too sly.

‘Oh come on, baby, that was nothing.’
‘Tanisha.’

She sighs loudly and sits back again.

‘What’s your problem, Car?’
‘I don’t have a problem. I’m just surprised you’re here.’
‘Why?’

She really doesn’t understand. I push her off my lap and get up.

‘Where’re you goin’?’ Like I have no right to leave.
‘Bathroom.’

Her sigh sounds relieved. She probably thinks I’m getting a Trojan. I close the door, it still smells like Aly’s perfume in here. Now, either I let Nisha have her way then she’ll leave me alone, or I say no and it’ll be some serious shouting till 3 a.m. Today was way too long for that. Aly really needs to stop giving Nisha my key.

Aly’s bed is awesome, seriously, where’d she get this mattress from? Even better than Amanda’s and that one’s already too good. Nisha’s on me doing her work with a smile. First time I’m glad the Trojan’s between us. I watch her, tits bouncing, her arms stretched out, hands flat against the wall. She looks good like this, but I know it’s over. I don’t want this anymore. Even fucking her ain’t half the fun it used to be. Yeah, that’s givin’ up one hell of a blow, but it’s not the same no more. All that noise after, I don’t need that right now. And after Aly and J. and that You really think you’ll make it? There’s no point really. Nisha’s almost done, but what’s there is Amanda sleeping in her bed. She sleeps like a kid, happy in a way. I like that.

Light flashes like stars up close and he holds up a hand to protect her from the stares. She said he needed to get out, show his face, prove that he was back again. He wants to open the pavement and slide back underground where it is warm and silent with sounds that make sense. She keeps his hand in hers and smiles when she hears the questions, pulling him on, down the broad red line, passed giants with beetle eyes into a cave full of diamonds. Heart beating he asks for some peace and quiet and she tells him that he will be all right. They take chairs in the shadows, the stage is alight. He hears words that ask him what he wants, he thinks ‘her body in mine’, but says nothing and hears her voice instead. She orders something simple for two, he leans over to her, yet she turns too soon and he meets her lips instead of her ear. She smiles and asks him to relax, that is all he needed. He leans back, looks and recognizes faces. They smile back at him, their eagerness irritating. There is structure here, obstructing. There are lines and patterns, circles and squares, and she moves among them with ease while he feels every inch and corner, every sharp edge on his skin.

It’s the 7^th and a Sunday, which is good, that gives me time. Six hotdogs, the Special. Four should do, but you never know, watching water always makes me hungry and it’ll be a whole day out there. They guy packs them tight in the box bag. The lining keeps them good for at least three hours. It takes two to get up there, one and a half if the traffic’s ok. I pay, and walk out, the car’s already rented, that way I know it’s clean and won’t break down on me half way. Plus, it’s nice driving something you’re not used to. An SUV this time, what do they call it, champagne, with off-white seats and awesome headboard.

Look at him check me out. Yeah, that’s my ride. He’s impressed man, seriously impressed. Aly hates it how people get all worked up about cars, but man… One day I’ll get one on my own. I’ll drive it to work and pick the kids up on my way home. A big house with one of those kitchens where you can have a real breakfast with the kids, cook a big dinner and lay out the ribs for some serious BBQ. One of those long dinner tables for Thanksgiving, get Ma and Gran over, Uncle Vince, Ricky, Cam, Nate and everyone else. An awesome den for the Superbowl. A back yard you can put a pool in and have the kids’ friends over for their birthdays. Two, Junior and my girl. Maybe three if she’s up for it. Yeah, one day this won’t be rented. With Takeshi and Bruce around, it’ll work, I know it, and I’m definitely going to that dinner. Kesh said there’d be some people there who’d give me some good pointers, he’d already told his Dad I was coming, and Aly promised she’d help me figure out the suit, so that’s covered. Richardson said my business plan looked solid, meant it too, plus, I aced that Macro exam, so yeah. One day, this’ll be mine.

Traffic’s fine. Player’s on Jigga, but I’m keepin’ it low, I need to be solid once I’m there. It’s like changing gears driving up there, stepping back, cooling down. Calm, yeah, that’s what it is up there. And they expect you to tone it down, but it’s like I’ve lost a layer when I’m there, like it’s all gone once I get out o’ the car. It’s getting better though, way better than before.

Car’s parked, I’ve got the bag box, keys – yeah. All set. There’s no one on the pier though it’s pretty warm for now, some wind, but low. The sun’s behind the clouds. The benches are empty, but I sit down all the same and smell the sea. That’s the most in your face smell, seaweed. You can’t mix it up with anything else. pier And the sky. It’s grey today, kind o’ flinty. Yeah, they’d say flinty to that. – There. Fuck, already. But I don’t turn until I hear the steps stop and look up. She doesn’t smile right away, but she does smile. That smile. Really, that smile. Then she says, ‘Hi, Alec,’ right after.

‘Hi, Celine.’
‘You been waiting long?’

I shake my head. She sits down next to me and looks at me, eyes wide. They’re this deep, deep black with whites like milk and endless lashes. Movie eyes, in close up, that’s what they are, beautiful just ain’t enough. Last time we’d hugged by now and she gave me two of those French kisses, quick and soft on my cheek. I don’t know anyone else who does that – there. One, two. Her lips are as soft as ever.

‘You look good,’ she says, smiling. ‘Those new?’ She reaches out, pinches my earlobe.
‘Yeah.’
‘Nice. Look at you, all urban chic.’

She laughs there, showing off that smile. Really, that smile. Nothing beats that smile.

‘Yeah, it’s good, pretty tricky actually as it’s all stream of consciousness and you have to really allow yourself to get into the character, you know, find your way into Stephen’s mind and forget that you’re in the twenty-first century, but that you’re this Irish kid who went to a really strict Catholic school. He had a hell of a time there and he’s got all these issues when it comes to women anyway – did you get to the part with the prostitute? Yeah? Weird don’t you think? Imagine us living there, I mean, course, it’d be different for us, but think we’d be some Irish kids back then, I mean, we couldn’t just sit here eat hotdogs, drink coke and just talk about, well just talk really. Y’know? There were all these rules, all these do’s and don’ts, all this stuff you weren’t allowed to look at, all these things you weren’t allowed to think about or speak about. I always feel that back then people were surrounded by this huge web, no, labyrinth of forbidden stuff and you had to navigate through it without making a wrong move, y’know, like in Indiana Jones, when they’re looking for the Holy Grail and he steps on the wrong stone and falls through? Yeah, something like that. Say the wrong thing or go to the wrong place, basically be interested in something you shouldn’t be interested in, something people say you shouldn’t even think of, and you’re done for. Unless you’re really strong, but I don’t know if I could be that strong. Not just muscles you know, but that inner strength, sticking things through coz you know that’s what’s for you, or like J. used to say, ‘your truth’, y’know? I think that’s really tough. Are they still together by the way? That’s great, he needs someone like her, at least she gets him. Anyway, I went off on a tangent there, sorry. It’s great that you’re reading it, that’s awesome. I know I had to really put myself back while reading it, really forget myself, you know, and try a different mode of thinking, see the world, or rather Stephen’s world, through his eyes, and not my interpretation of it. It wasn’t easy, but it was cool. It got tedious at times, but still it’s worth it. And it’s a great start for Modernism, though you better read a bit of Pound and Woolf if you want to get the whole thing, and then there’s Eliot of course but I don’t know. We just did Prufrock – it’s this loooong poem about a guy who’s nuts basically, it’s kind of depressing, but the images are good and it takes ages to interpret anyway, but it’s ok and my professor’s great so it’s not too bad. That’s really cool that you’re reading it, Portrait I mean, I’d really love to hear what you think of it when you’re done.’

She smiles then, that happy, satisfied smile that comes from that other world she lives in, where you spend a night listening to Mozart and Beethoven, where you talk about culture and revolutions over dinner, where every minute of every day is spent improving yourself, seeing more, hearing more, reading more, filling yourself up with more and more, but she never seems to get enough of it, or get bored. It’s as if the more she finds the more she wants. She’s got another new book in her bag, some Argentinian I basically should read asap, it sounds like something Hayworth would put on people. And there’s these guys from France with an awesome new track she wants me to check out. She’s always got something new, every damn time she’s found something everybody already knows about and I’ve never even heard of. It doesn’t bother her though, not knowing. She doesn’t mind finding out, I think she enjoys it, figuring out what’s out there, even though it’s fuckin’ endless. And it’s not like she got bored with what we’ve got, but more like our stuff makes her think of something else she needs to figure out. I wish I could do that, y’know, not get bothered and just take up everything like that, just soak it up like she does and deal with it.

She takes out her second hotdog, unwraps the foil, takes in the smell, sighs and smiles, ‘God, these are the best.’ She takes a bite and closes her eyes, chewing. I always liked how she just enjoyed her food. She was never picky about what she could eat, date nights were seriously easy with her.

‘So you and Tanya?’ she starts.
‘Tanisha.’

She nods and takes another bite of her hotdog. She’s changed her hair. Her braids reach to her back now, all black. They’re so tiny the few that came out whip around her head in the wind. Her skin’s still as smooth as ever. I’ve never met a girl with her kind of skin. It’s flawless, like those toffees poured out smooth.

‘You still see her?’ she asks. I don’t know what to say. I haven’t seen Nisha in a while. I told Aly to stop giving her my key. Word has it Nisha’s livid but she hasn’t come to shout, at least not yet. I’ve been busy anyway, finals kept me locked up in the library most days. Now that’s over and I’m pretty sure I got everything covered. It wasn’t easy, they really take it out on you, like, drain your brain with those questions, but I answered all of them like in the mocks and I aced almost all of those, so yeah. And Hayworth keeps on nodding and smiling when he sees me, so I should be ok.

‘So you’re not?’ she asks again.
‘I don’t know.’

She chuckles a little and wipes a small smudge of mustard from the corner of her mouth with her ring finger, she still does that. Her nails are short, manicured, she’s not wearing rings. The studs in her ears might be real diamonds and she smells just like she used to.

‘Are you seeing anyone?’

She nods her head in a yes-and-no.

‘I’ve been pretty busy, but there’s this guy who’s quite nice. We go out for drinks and stuff, but it isn’t really serious.’
‘Do you…’

She looks at me and smiles before she takes a sip from her coke. I don’t know what that smile means. I never did really.

She doesn’t say more and I watch the sea. The waves are blue, green, grey, black and yellow and white. They’re all colors actually. The air’s that real, deep ocean smell that’s all fresh and stays in your head for days. waves 2 I take out the last of my three and we both eat silently for a while. We could always do that, just sit together and not talk without anything getting awkward. Celine can talk like a book, yeah, but she can be real quiet too. And warm, all curled up, her skin so fucking smooth under the sheets, but there’s no point remembering that anymore. When she’s done with hers, she leans into me and drinks from her coke. Her head’s warm under my chin and the wind died down a little. She still smells like she used to. Just like home.

October 9, 2014May 17, 2020

history

Dana is crying and Christie is trying to calm her down. They were on their break, smoking a cigarette in front of the diner. The group of girls turned up like a hard cut, suddenly they were there, looking like so much trouble Dana had no time to adjust. Many things were said, but the one sentence Dana remembered was, ‘I see your sleazy ass one more time and I’ll fuckin’ cut you, bitch, I’ll fuckin’ cut you!’ said so close Dana could feel her breath on her skin.

It had taken all of Christie’s hard-nosed cool and the general crowd on the street to keep the woman from making it worse for Dana. She fled into the kitchen after the rest of the group dragged the screaming woman away. Dana refused to come out for five minutes. She had never been called ‘slut’, ‘whore’ and ‘white trash’ in the middle of the street. Now it had happened. Kelsey had warned her the city could get rough, Kelsey, her best friend back home.

‘Be careful, ok? They do things real different over there. Like real different. You’ve gotta toughen up some. You’ve gotta stop bein’ so nice all the time.’

Hearing it was one thing. Actually living through it…. Dana’s hands are shaking, she can barely hold the coffee someone gave her. Christie keeps on looking at her like that. Dean who manages the grill just came out to check on her. Jenny the manager asks her for the third time if she’s all right. Dana nods, holding back the tears. Jenny doesn’t believe her, but she doesn’t say anything either. She turns and tells everyone else, ‘All right, all right, show’s over, get back to work.’ Christie won’t let Dana bus tables for another five minutes, Dana doesn’t mind. She spends her five extra minutes breathing consciously like the councilor said. She makes a conscious effort to center herself. It doesn’t change the fact that she recognized the violence in that woman’s eyes. And with recognition memories kicked down doors Dana thought she’d locked firmly shut. At least now she knows how to shut and lock them again.

Jenny lets Dana go home early. ‘You don’t look good, honey. Go home, have some rest. See you tomorrow, ok?’ Dana nods, ‘Ok.’ Christie’s allowed to take her home, Dana saw her talk to Jenny seriously. In Dana’s apartment, Christie makes hot chocolate and cooks up some pancakes, while Dana sits huddled on her couch, staring out of the window. Her hands still tremble a little but she can hold her cup steady again. Now, safe within her own four walls, Dana realizes that she should have expected something like that to happen. She’d never seen such venom spewed so openly though, right out there in the street. The last person who shouted at her like that was Bobby, and that was in her flat.

Bobby.

Dana drinks from her hot chocolate, it’s smooth and sweet, filling her with warmth and comfort. Yes, Bobby. Bobby who she trusted like a kid, a child barely walking. Bobby who got drunk a little too often, but she didn’t notice until much later, about a year after they got together. Bobby who after that one drink too many suddenly turned into someone who threw things and hit her.

The first time was such a shock Dana stayed, she couldn’t believe it happened. It had to be a mistake. And he was very drunk. He’d been out with his boys again and Dana got angry. They started arguing, shouting, and then it happened. She couldn’t believe it, so she stayed. It had to be a mistake.

And then it happened again. Dana was so horrified, she packed her bags, took the car and drove the sixty minutes to her Mom. Bobby came looking for her the very next day. He brought her this huge bouquet of roses, the really good ones from Paradise Road next to the French café. He went down on his knees in the middle of her Mom’s tiny living room and said he was so sorry, so sorry, she didn’t know how much. He swore he would stop with the drink. He swore it would never happen again.

Her Mom was watching, her Mom who thought Bobby was ‘such a fine young man. And from such a good family, too,’ as if that made it really worth it and Dana should stick it through. So Dana said, ‘Ok.’ Deep down she didn’t trust it, she knew that now, but back then she didn’t believe what was happening. This was Bobby. He was always so sweet to her. They’d been to Hawaii together, ten days on Maui in a beautiful bungalow he rented. It was her birthday present, Bobby paid the whole thing. His family had the money, his Dad had a company that sold parts to Ford or Chrysler or maybe GM, one of the really big international ones. And his parents really liked her.

They always had Sunday brunch with them, they had this beautiful house down Lanagan Street where all the houses had pillars and beautiful terraces with couches and plants. No. 251 even had a couch swing. They always had Sunday brunch in Lanagan Street and Dana was always invited to the parties, or ‘do’s as his mother called them. They always teased her that she was going to be the next Mrs. Hillard. And they really loved Bobby, Dana always felt he could tell them everything.

That was the Bobby she knew. Bobby who was Mr. and Mrs. Hillard’s genuinely charming son. He was deferring Harvard (Harvard!) to help his Dad in the company, his Dad was still recovering from a bad heart attack. Bobby had friends and buddies everywhere, he was always getting invited to places. Everybody liked him, there was no one Dana knew who didn’t like him. He made people laugh. That was the Bobby she knew. He really just had to stop with the drink. So she went back and it went well for a long time, at least six months. Dana started thinking maybe she was being too tough on him, he really was trying. Maybe it really was just the drink, he hardly touched it anymore. And it was ok if a guy was a little jealous, wasn’t it? It showed that he really was into you, even her Mom said so, especially with such a guy like Bobby. ‘He could have anybody and he chose you.’ Even Kelsey agreed.

So Dana stayed, longer than she should have. She stayed until the last time, a Saturday night where she came back to her place from going out with Kelsey and her wild friends. Bobby had moved back in with his parents after his Dad’s bad heart attack, he wanted to spend as much time as possible with his old man, so Dana still had her own place. They did keep on talking about moving in together. Bobby really wanted to, Dana just didn’t want to live with his parents. They’d been looking at places close-by that time. Bobby was at her place that night, waiting at the door, smoking his cigarette on the steps. He was very angry. Apparently he’d seen her with someone, it didn’t matter that they were a whole group. That’s how it started, that Saturday night when she went out with Kelsey and her friends who weren’t exactly normal but really nice.

Dana held her cup tighter, pulled her legs closer. She had started to tell herself that it might have gotten much worse if she hadn’t screamed her lungs out, bringing the neighbors down the stairs and into the flat. It might have been much worse. All she had was a cracked rib and a bad concussion. It could’ve been worse. She’d heard about worse in her group. At least she had the sense to scream for help. That’s how she saw it now.

It was a warm summer night so everybody had their windows open. That’s probably why the neighbors heard. They were two, the community college guy Mark and his car mechanic friend he always had over, Stu. Stu had fixed Dana’s car for a decent price when it decided to break down again. It was Mark and Stu that night. They ran down and dragged Bobby off her and that’s when the fight started, but Mark was quick and Stu was strong. Stu kept Bobby pinned down while Mark called 911. Dana was in a corner, clutching her knees, immobile.

The police made her file a restraining order. Officer Sanchez was a woman and she didn’t ‘give a fuck if it’s the Hillards.’ She said that straight at Officer Kirkland who Dana had seen at Mrs. Hillard’s parties a few times. He always seemed to be have a really good time. Officer Sanchez didn’t care, she was furious. She’d reached Dana first, saw her face and shouted, ‘Kirkland! Look at this!’ Dana wanted to hide herself but Officer Kirkland was already there and saw everything. Dana still couldn’t forget the look on his face. Right then, she felt like something so broken, she knew she couldn’t be repaired again.

Dana didn’t want to sign the restraining order though. She didn’t want to make it worse. Officer Sanchez didn’t like that. They argued, Dana tried to explain. There’d just be trouble for her Mom who worked in one of the Hillard’s downtown offices. Her Mom was too old to find a new job if they fired her, people didn’t need secretaries that much anymore. Officer Sanchez said she’d make sure that didn’t happen. If they fired Dana’s mother, what happened to Dana would be in the paper’s next, Officer Sanchez would make sure it was front page news. Officer Sanchez looked like someone who could pull that off.

Dana still didn’t want to make the Hillards angry. Mr. and Mrs. Hillard had always been very nice to her, kind even. If she put out a restraining order on their son, that’d be the end of it, they’d never speak to her again, and if the Hillards stopped speaking to you, basically everyone else did. Just thinking of the whispering that would happen was bad enough. Officer Sanchez slammed her hand on the table, stared straight at Dana and said real calm, ‘You sign that damn paper, girl, otherwise next time he’ll be after you with an axe and there ain’t no stoppin’ that with your hands. You wanna live? In peace? Put your fuckin’ name on it.’ Her exact words. Officer Sanchez looked like she knew what she was talking about. She’d been with Dana through everything from the hospital to the questions at the station. She’d been there, through all of it, and made sure Dana knew exactly what was happening. If Dana had questions, Officer Sanchez answered them. She didn’t care how often Officer Kirkland asked her to ‘tone it down’ or ‘be careful’. Officer Sanchez wasn’t out to mess up her life, rather the opposite. So Dana signed the order.

She left after that, moved far away, deep into this city where she was just another face and another name, Dana, calling her Mom regularly to check if she still had her job. She still did, but life had really changed. She had to go shopping in Newton West now because shopping at home was no longer possible, people stared and whispered too much. A lot of people stopped talking to her, but Rachel and Melanie were still her friends, so it was ok, her Mom wasn’t all alone. And Kelsey did drop by every now and then to say hi, sending Dana texts right after like She’s doing good with a thumbs-up. And now, three years later, someone else screamed at her like that again, with eyes promising far worse to come.

Dana feels nauseous for a moment, but forces herself to stay calm. She tells herself she should have known, she did see them together. She should never have agreed to join him anywhere. She promises herself to never see or speak to him again, and takes another sip from the hot chocolate. Christie really knows how to make it. And the air smells wonderfully of fresh pancakes. She’s all alone here, yes, everything is still very strange and different, but there’s Christie who’s a real friend. The door bell rings, sharp, making both Dana and Christie jump. Christie presses the buzzer and opens the door without checking. Next, Samantha comes bolting up the stairs, shouting ‘Sorry I’m late!’ Dana sits up, surprised, Christie must have called her. Sam runs in right then, all anxious, ‘Dana! Sweetie! Are you ok?!’ Dana feels relief and joy bloom bright in her body. Yes, she has friends here, real friends, and for that she is very grateful.